


The Forest Grows Back

by arielmagicesi



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Past Abuse, Post-The Raven King, Self-Hatred, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-14
Updated: 2016-06-24
Packaged: 2018-07-14 23:54:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 35,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7196627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arielmagicesi/pseuds/arielmagicesi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gansey's alive. Cabeswater is fallen. The quest is over.<br/>Then why does everything still hurt?<br/>This is a fic I wrote to answer a bunch of questions I had at the end of The Raven King, and it deals with how all of the characters heal from their emotional traumas, mainly through their love for and support of each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Gansey

“Wake up.”

And then everything was real, and the world was no longer the frantic magic of a dying Cabeswater. It was a field on the edge of Henrietta. It was Ronan Lynch, stained with black blood, staring desperately at his best friend. It was Henry Cheng, in Gansey’s white shirt, collapsed to the ground beside Blue. It was Adam Parrish, standing because all he had were his own two feet amid all the horror.

It was Blue Sargent, leaned over her true love, heart drowning in hope.

Gansey’s eyes opened.

“Jane?” he whispered.

Blue emitted a shriek of joy and flung her arms around him.

“Thank God,” Ronan said, releasing a shuddering breath. “Thank God… Gansey… fuck…”

They were all piling onto him in a desperate hug, Blue holding him like he was the only thing in the world, Henry laughing mindlessly in relief, Ronan pressed into his side. The sun was burning through the thicket of grey clouds above, and the dew was wet and his breath was real, alive. 

Only Adam was still standing, and when Gansey looked up at him, he saw sharp, fierce blue eyes blurred with tears.

Adam cleared his throat. “Rex corvus, parate regis corvi.”

The sun might as well have burst through the clouds and surrounded Gansey in a halo, proclaiming him a king.

“Damn it, Adam,” he said, choking back tears. “You always know what to say.”

Ronan was grinning up at Adam, and Blue was yelling, “Stop being so dramatic, get over here, Adam!” and Orphan Girl stumbled over and deposited herself on top of Gansey as well, which made Adam laugh.

“So she really does attach herself to your favorite people, huh, Lynch?” Adam said as he sat down, jerking his head toward Orphan Girl.

“Shut up,” Ronan said, smiling brighter than he usually did. They were all high on having survived, on Gansey having survived.

It was a few minutes later when a police car stopped by the edge of the road. Gansey had been too busy dying and coming back to life to really consider what a mess they’d found themselves in. The bloodstained BMW and the haphazardly parked Fisker and the huge pile of dream-stuff strewn about the rainy road. 

Gansey brought himself to his feet, finding that it was as easy as it had ever been. Dying didn’t seem to have any negative side effects. That was nice.

“Sorry about this,” he called out to the officer that was getting out of the car. He reluctantly pulled up his Richard-Campbell-Gansey-the-third smile. 

“Gansey, for fuck’s sake, you just died,” Ronan muttered. “You don’t have to Gansey your way out of this.”

“I’ll take care of it,” Blue said, getting off the ground and walking over to the officer. Gansey’s face relaxed back into his Gansey-who’s-hopelessly-in-love-with-Blue-Sargent smile as she said, “Hey, George, how are you?” in her most charming Southern accent.

“Blue Sargent?” the officer replied. “What- what happened to your eye?”

She sighed. “It’s been a long day. Me and my friends tried to go exploring in a cave and well- it was dark and we all got injured- we just barely managed to get out.”

The four remaining raven boys looked on admiringly while Blue charmed their way out of getting in trouble. The officer, whom she’d apparently known since she was a kid, offered to drive her and Ronan to the hospital, but Gansey said, “It’s all right, we can get ourselves there. We’re sorry to bother you like this.”

“It’s no problem,” the officer said. “Just don’t mess around in caves anymore, all right?”

“Trust me,” Ronan said. “We’re not going into any caves again anytime soon.”

He headed over to the pile of dream stuff and picked up a mint leaf, then one of the little notes, and his face curved into a tiny, genuine Ronan smile.

Blue took Gansey’s hand. Henry took his other hand. Adam carefully picked up Orphan Girl and nudged Ronan, and the three of them climbed into the BMW.

“Come on,” Blue said gently. “Let’s go home.”

 

He couldn’t avoid it forever. He was right: there was a hell of a mess to clean up.

Ronan had refused to go to the emergency room, saying that there was nothing wrong with him except some “fucked-up magic dirt” all over his skin. Adam’s eyes lingered on the purple bruises on his neck, but said nothing.

Maura and Calla arrived at the hospital in time to see Blue emerge with her new set of stitches. Maura rushed to embrace her, and Blue sank into her arms. Gansey released a breath. She was all right. They were all alive. Life was going to stretch on ahead of them, air and roads on forever.

Ronan walked into the waiting room from outside, still looking like shit. He waved his phone. 

“Matthew’s fine,” he said, sitting down between Gansey and Adam. “He got a little shaken up by the whole— unmaking thing. Or whatever the fuck it was. He’s not hurt though. He and Declan are coming back down here tonight.”

“What?” Adam said. “I thought they went to D.C. to protect Matthew.”

“Yeah, but Declan’s heard that apparently Piper and her creepy uncles scared the shit out of all the supernatural-artifact nutjobs this morning,” Ronan said. “So Henrietta’s safe from them for at least, you know, a couple days. Declan and Matthew are just coming down here to…” He swallowed. “For Mom.”

Adam’s hand reached over tentatively to rest on Ronan’s, and Gansey suddenly remembered the conversation he and Adam had had the night before- or, well, two nights before. His chest lightened, again. There was a hell of a mess, but they were alive and they all loved each other and nothing else mattered.

“You look pretty happy for a guy who just died, Richard-man,” Henry said from his other side.

“I can’t help it,” Gansey said, smiling. “I quite like being alive again.”

They drove back to 300 Fox Way. It made the most sense to go there, the information center on the supernatural, the rest stop between adventures. 

Persephone’s absence was painfully obvious when they all sat themselves in the psychics’ living room. Her light cloud of hair should have broken up the air; she should have brought them herbal tea; her voice should have lulled them all down from their nervousness. Maura and Calla were two-thirds without her. 

They talked for nearly an hour. The psychics, typically, knew a good deal of what had happened already. They explained, filled in the gaps, cried some more. 

Gansey buried his fists in the ratty couch below him, knowing he had to ask the question he’d been wondering since Cabeswater had revived him. He didn’t know if he really wanted to know the answer.

“What is it, Dick?” Calla said. “You’re itching to ask something.”

He stared at the ground.

“What happened to Noah?” he asked.

Maura and Calla looked at each other, and Blue let out something between a gasp and a sob.

“No,” she whispered. “He isn’t.”

“He is,” Maura said.

“Is what?” Ronan demanded.

“Gone,” Calla said, blunt but not cruel. “Passed on.”

“Fuck,” Ronan hissed. “No. Damn it. Not Noah, too.”

They were silent for a bit, before Henry ventured slowly, “Who’s- who’s Noah?”

“Fuck you, Cheng,” Ronan said.

“Don’t be an ass,” Blue snapped. “He didn’t know him.” 

She turned to Henry, who was sitting on the side of her not occupied by Gansey. 

“Noah was our friend,” she said. “He was- uh- he was a ghost. He died seven years ago on the ley line, and the magic kept him as a sort of imprint of his old self. But he’s been disappearing for a while.”

Gansey stared down at his own hands. He knew what had happened.

“He passed on- for me,” he said. “It wasn’t just Cabeswater that sacrificed itself. Noah- he’s the one- he told me to find Glendower. The first time I died. I saw it happen.”

“Oh, Noah,” Blue said quietly.

Adam narrowed his eyes. 

“But… Glendower was dead. Why would he tell you to find Glendower?”

Gansey was crying. He didn’t know when he’d started crying.

“I think,” he said, “that he wanted us all to find each other. Glendower wasn’t the point at all. God. I didn’t live for Glendower. I lived for the search for Glendower. I lived for you, all of you.” He let out a breath. “Noah. He’s the hero of this story.”

“I don’t really think you have to assign a hero,” Calla said.

“Well, if you did, Noah sounds like he would be it,” Henry said. He didn’t sound like he was just saying it. Gansey swelled with admiration for his newest friend- Henry understood these people, and he barely knew them, but he knew them.

Ronan looked up and caught Henry’s eye, and gave a tiny, apologetic nod. 

“He was,” Ronan said. “He deserved so much more than what he got.”

 

It was nearing dusk by the time Gansey felt stable enough to leave Fox Way. Ronan and Adam were still in the living room, Orphan Girl napping in the armchair beside them. Gansey was with the others in the kitchen, eating something Maura had prepared.

“I have to go see my family,” he said. “I missed my mother’s campaign day at my school- because of the time skip,” he explained, for Maura and Calla’s benefit, “and they’re all, well, not pleased with me.”

“Ugh,” Blue muttered. “You literally died. Could they give it a rest?”

They looked at each other, and Gansey’s mouth quirked into a smile. She was the most wonderful person in the world.

“Well, they don’t know that,” he said. “If I don’t go see them soon, Helen might set Monmouth on fire in revenge.”

“What are you going to tell them?” Blue asked. “Somehow, I don’t think they’ll buy the truth.”

“I… I have no idea, actually,” he said, then groaned. “This is going to be a nightmare.”

He buried his head in his hands, and Blue wrapped her arms comfortingly around him.

“Hey, uh,” Henry began. “Look, I know I’m not really part of this-”

“Shut up, Henry, you’re part of this,” Blue said. 

“Well, I’m good with explaining magic stuff,” he said. “It’s kind of my job. So, if you want, I can come over and help you explain it to them. Take some of the weight off from you.”

Gansey lifted his head and smiled at Henry. “You don’t have to do that. I mean… don’t you have to go back to Litchfield?”

“Eh, the guys are used to me disappearing on magic missions,” he said, waving his hand in the air for dramatic effect. “You need my charisma and genius more now.”

Blue rolled her eyes.

“It would help to have someone else with you,” Maura said quietly.

“I suppose it would,” Gansey said, suppressing another smile. He remembered the moment, earlier that day- or yesterday, rather- when the cave had filled with light and he had realized that all these people loved him. Did he deserve all this love?

Maybe it wasn’t about deserving or not. Maybe it was just about love.

He got up from his chair and pulled on his coat, biting back tears, because he was already exhausted from crying.

“Hey,” Blue said softly, getting up and placing her hand on his arm. “It’s OK.”

He looked down on her, and her face was so full of warmth and light and she said, still looking at him, “Mom, it won’t kill him anymore if I-”

“Go ahead,” Maura laughed.

She tilted her face up and Gansey’s breath caught in his throat.

“Blue?” he breathed, quiet enough that only she heard. Everyone else in the kitchen disappeared.

“Is this OK?” she whispered.

“Yes.”

Then she was kissing him and his hands were dangling at his sides awkwardly and he was still breathing, just breathing against Blue’s breath, and he knew, finally, that he had not cheated death. He was not alive by chance. He was alive because he was meant to be alive, right now, kissing Blue Sargent in the kitchen under the dim lights on an October Henrietta evening.

“Feel better?” Blue whispered in his ear.

“I don’t think I’ll ever feel bad again,” he said into her messy hair.

Maura and Calla looked knowingly at each other and started talking about going upstairs to call Orla and Jimi. Gansey’s entire face went red. He hadn’t expected his first non-deadly kiss with Blue to be in front of her mother and aunt.

Henry got up and spun his keys around his finger one time. “Come on, Dick. Let’s not keep your family waiting.”

 

Helen answered the door.

She stared, eyebrows raised, at Henry and Gansey for a few seconds, and Gansey tensed.

Then she rushed forward and threw her arms around Gansey.

“Where the hell were you?” she said. “I thought you died.”

Gansey restrained himself from responding to that, then cleared his throat and said, “I… I’m sorry, Helen. I never- I never would have missed Mom’s event- I didn’t-”

“Dick, you didn’t respond to any of my texts for two days. You look like you’ve been through hell.”

He looked down at himself- the Aglionby sweater was disastrously stained, and his skin was covered in various nightmare-chemicals still. And he had broken down in tears at least six different times that day. 

“I swear, Helen, I have an explanation,” he said. “Please let me explain. I-” He looked over at Henry. “I, uh, this is Henry Cheng- he’s a friend of mine-”

“Dick,” Helen said. “Calm down. I’m just glad you’re OK.”

He took a deep breath and looked up at her. “I- I thought you were upset-”

“Well, I was upset,” she said. “But your girlfriend called me ten minutes ago and told me that you’re coming over to explain what happened and she said to go easy on you. And I like her, and I don’t think she would cover for you skipping out on us for no reason. She sounded really worried, too. She told me you’ve been through a lot over the past few days. I’m not totally heartless, you know.”

Gansey’s shoulders relaxed. Blue, of course, Blue really was the most wonderful thing in the world.

“Come on,” Helen said. “Mom and Dad are in the sun room. You can explain yourself there.”

Gansey thought he’d had enough of long conversations about magic to last a lifetime. But this talk had been a long time coming, and as it went on he felt every leftover knot in his soul unravel. He watched his parents’ and sister’s eyes slowly grow wider as he and Henry wove together the story of Henrietta, ley lines, and dreamers. Helen marveling at Henry’s RoboBee demonstration. His father asking why Gansey hadn’t told them any of this earlier. His mother pulling up an article on her phone about scientific research into the supernatural. The way they all jumped from their chairs and rushed to him when he told them he’d died and come back.

“Hold on,” Helen said. “This- this is still you, right? Not some dream-forest Xerox of you?”

“It’s me,” Gansey said. “I’m pretty damn sure it’s me.”

She held him tight.

“I’m pretty sure it’s you, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Does Helen call Gansey "Dick?" I really can't get over his family calling him "Dick."  
> Also, just so everyone knows, I love Henry Cheng and will protect him at all costs. He's gonna get his own chapter, too. Ronan and Adam will pay for ever daring to dislike him.


	2. Adam

After the others had gone into the kitchen for a meal, Ronan and Adam were alone in the living room. Orphan Girl had curled up on the nearest armchair and fallen asleep. It was so quiet, but Adam didn’t feel quiet.

He was itching to bury his head in Ronan’s neck, wrap his arms around him softly, fall asleep together on the couch, listen to his breathing. But he couldn’t bring himself to touch him. God. There were still bruises around his neck. God. He was stained in black, crusty blood. Adam shuddered every time he remembered hearing those desperate gasps for air, that nauseous panic of hearing Ronan being unmade and knowing his touch would kill him. 

He knew it was irrational, but he was so afraid that if he let himself reach for Ronan, he’d unleash the demon in his hands and eyes again and destroy him.

Ronan was pulling at a loose thread on the edge of the couch, staring down at it, and Adam ventured, hesitantly, “Hey. Don’t ruin their furniture, asshole.”

Just to piss him off, Ronan yanked the thread so it ripped a small hole into the side of the cushion. Then he looked up at Adam with an obnoxious grin. 

Like he was saying, we’re still the same, right?

But they weren’t. Not after Adam had- had- his hands around- Ronan choking, suffocating-

His eyes and throat were burning.

“Parrish,” Ronan said, his voice low. “You OK?”

Then Adam couldn’t take it anymore. He was crying, trying to bite his lip so it wouldn’t be too loud and bother anyone, tears pouring down his face-

Ronan grabbed him and pulled him into his arms.

He was so warm. Adam shook against his chest, holding his arms tightly between them, and he said, voice strained and broken, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry-”

“It wasn’t you,” Ronan said fiercely. “You didn’t do a goddamn thing wrong. It was all the demon. It wasn’t you.”

“I never want to hurt you. I-” Speaking was too much. He sobbed into Ronan’s shoulder wordlessly. It took a moment before he realized that Ronan was crying too, gripping Adam’s back like a lifeline.

“You know,” Ronan said quietly, “you could never do anything to make me-” He didn’t finish his sentence, but Adam could guess at the end of it. 

He released a breath.

“I just,” he started. “I just- when you were being unmade. And I couldn’t even- I couldn’t even do anything about it.”

“You don’t think that was your fault, do you?” Ronan said.

“No, but it was- God, Ronan. What if you hadn’t made it?”

“It wouldn’t have been your fault.”

“I don’t care. Jesus.” He pulled away from Ronan and looked him in the eye. “I keep seeing it. You almost dying. I can’t stop seeing it. I don’t- I don’t fucking care whose fault it was. It’s-” he choked up more tears, “-the worst thing I can imagine.”

Ronan stared at him, blinking as tears ran out of his eyes as well, and then he ran a hand, delicately, over the side of Adam’s face.

“It’s over now,” he said. “I’m still here.”

His expression was so gentle, so utterly loving, and Adam leaned forward and kissed him softly, trying and failing not to stain him with his tears.

“Thank you,” he whispered.

Ronan wrapped his arms around Adam’s back again, and Adam reached up and kissed him again, longer this time, until they heard footsteps and Calla saying, “How many teenage makeouts must I witness in my own house today?”

“Oh, leave them alone,” Maura said, and the two of them walked upstairs.

Adam looked up at Ronan, who was wearing a soft smile, and Adam realized he was smiling a little now, too.

“You OK, Lynch?” he asked. 

“Am now,” Ronan said.

Someone else walked in, and they looked over to see Blue coming in from the kitchen.

“Uh, hey, guys,” she said. She didn’t look taken aback at how close the two of them were sitting, and Adam figured either Ronan or Gansey had told her about- whatever was going on between them. “Gansey and Henry just left. They’re going to try and explain everything to Gansey’s parents.”

“Sounds fucking awful,” Ronan said. 

“I called Helen to tell her a little of what happened,” Blue said. “Hopefully that’ll make it less hard on him. He’s been through enough already.”

Adam nodded and rested his head on the back of the couch. Blue climbed over and curled herself on the unoccupied edge of the couch, on Adam’s other side. The couch was really only made for two people, but Adam and Ronan were sitting so close that Blue managed to squeeze herself in. She sighed and leaned into Adam’s shoulder, which was nice.

“Don’t beat yourself up about- about the demon thing, Adam,” she said. “I know how you are. It wasn’t your fault.”

“I tried to tell him that,” Ronan muttered.

“You’re a good person, Adam,” she said. “Don’t forget that.”

Adam wanted to contradict her or make some remark about not needing pity, but he was so tired, and he also knew, logically, that she wasn’t saying this because she felt sorry for him, but because she meant it. And the warmth of Ronan pressing into his side and Blue’s soft hair against his arm was too nice to ruin with an argument, so he closed his eyes and just let himself breathe.

 

In the morning, Adam startled for a moment at being in Ronan’s bed at Monmouth. He glanced over, almost expecting to see Ronan curled into the mattress beside him, then remembered that Ronan had gone to the Barns the night before to meet Declan and Matthew. Gansey had insisted that Adam stay at Monmouth- “neither of us should be alone right now,” he’d said. He’d told Adam to take Ronan’s room, that Ronan wouldn’t mind, which Adam believed.

Neither of them suggested staying in Noah’s room.

He’d been dreading the morning. Adam normally wouldn’t have skipped school if the world was ending, and now he would have to return after having missed two full days. He hadn’t even emailed his teachers to ask for the assignments. He couldn’t bear the thought of their stern, disappointed speeches about responsibility. That look that said: we knew Adam Parrish was going to fail eventually.

Gansey poked his head in the door. He was wearing his Aglionby uniform, this one not stained with rain and death.

“Did you sleep all right?” he asked.

“Fine,” Adam said. Ronan’s bed was a lot more comfortable than his bed at St. Agnes. “Did you?”

Gansey shook his head. 

“Hard to sleep when you’ve, ah, come back from the dead.” He tried for a lighthearted laugh, which failed spectacularly.

They got ready for school, which was the most surreally mundane thing that had happened that week, and then realized that they were stranded with no cars. The Pig was still lost somewhere on a forgotten road, ravens whispering in its broken engine. 

“I’ll call Henry,” Gansey said. “He can drive us. We’ll go looking for the Pig after school.”

Adam tilted his head.

“I meant to ask,” he said. “What’s with you and Cheng?”

“What do you mean?”

“You know what I mean. Why’s he hanging out with us now? What was he doing, helping out with the Glendower search?”

Gansey tensed at the mention of Glendower, and Adam cursed himself for bringing him up.

“He’s my friend,” Gansey said slowly.

“When did that happen?”

Gansey paused, his phone still in his hand.

“Oddly fast,” he said. “He’s the kind of person who makes friends fast. I think. He gets people.”

Which Adam knew meant, he gets me. Which he knew was rare for Gansey.

“Please,” Gansey said. “I know you and Ronan don’t like him-”

“If you like him, we’ll learn to like him,” Adam said. “Maybe we misjudged him.”

He paid more attention than usual during the drive when Henry came and picked them up. Henry was obnoxious, as usual, listening to his preppy music and cracking jokes about the state of Henrietta’s infrastructure. Adam trusted Gansey, but Henry didn’t seem any different than he usually did- typical Aglionby rich kid.

Before they turned into Aglionby’s parking lot, Henry glanced in the mirror and something in his eyes made Adam jolt. He recognized it: anxiety. He wasn’t sure whether Adam was going to accept him. It was how Adam had acted around Ronan and Noah for a long time after joining the group. 

And it wasn’t the kind of look an arrogant rich boy wore when driving trailer trash to school.

“Hey, Parrish,” he said. “Didn’t get a chance to ask you yesterday. What did that thing you told Gansey mean? When he woke up?”

Gansey laughed, a warm, vibrant thing. “I forgot- you don’t know every detail about Glendower like we do.”

Adam looked directly back at Henry through the rearview mirror.

“It meant make way for the Raven King,” he said. “Glendower was called the Raven King. I just thought-” He didn’t know how to explain it.

Henry nodded.

“You thought you were gonna wake Glendower,” he said. “But you woke this guy instead.” He tilted his head at Gansey in the passenger seat.

Adam raised his eyebrows, trying to analyze this new friend of Gansey’s in the driver’s seat. 

“Yeah,” he said. “That’s why I said it. The whole search led to him in the end.”

“Don’t say that,” Gansey said. “I can’t afford to start crying again now.”

“The real Raven King,” Henry said, as he parked the car. “I like it. You’re a poet, Parrish.”

Adam snorted at that, and Gansey looked desperately between his two friends. He glanced back at Adam for a seal of approval.

Adam gave him a look that said, I’ll think about it.

Then he climbed out of the car, his head too thick with paralyzing fear of what his teachers were going to say to focus on Gansey’s new friendship anymore.

Gansey thanked Henry for the ride and ran over to catch up with Adam.

“Hey, Adam, it’s going to be all right,” he said. “I came up with a whole story yesterday night. We’ll say that we had to go pick up an important speaker for my mom’s event, and that we got stranded for a couple days because my car broke down. My mom will back us up if they call her to confirm.”

“Like that’s necessary,” Adam said. “They’ll forgive you for anything without a second thought.”

“Adam,” Gansey said. “They’ll forgive you, too.”

Adam shrugged. He just wanted this to be over.

“Adam, you’ve never missed a day of school. People miss school all the time; it isn’t that big of a deal.”

Of course Gansey would think it wasn’t that big of a deal; he could drop out of Aglionby if he wanted and fall back on an inheritance worth more than Adam had ever seen in his life.

They walked in through the door that led to the hallway with Adam’s locker. He clicked it open methodically and scooped up the textbooks he’d left there last Friday- god, that seemed like an eternity ago. 

He clenched his fist around the textbooks, then released them. He was not going to get angry.

“Mr. Parrish!” a voice cried out. He and Gansey both looked up- the hallway had been empty before. It was Mr. Walsh, Adam’s AP Gov teacher. Jesus. It was already starting.

“Hi, Mr. Walsh,” Adam said.

“Hello,” Gansey added brightly.

“Where were you, Adam?” Walsh said. “We missed you in AP Gov… you didn’t even email to let me know ahead of time.”

Adam stared at the floor.

“I know,” he said. “I’m sorry. I promise it won’t happen again. I’ll make up the work, and any extra work you think is necessary-”

But Mr. Walsh was laughing.

“Adam, you’re not in trouble,” he said. “For God’s sake, you’re my best student. I was worried about where you were. Are you OK?”

Adam looked up.

“Uh- yeah,” he said. “Yeah, I am OK. Gansey and I just-”

Gansey filled in the fake explanation for their absence, while Adam stared incredulously at his teacher, who didn’t seem angry or disappointed in the slightest. What was stranger, he hadn’t asked after Gansey at all, and Gansey was the star of his European history class.

“I’m glad you’re OK,” Walsh said, when Gansey finished explaining. “You’re two of my best students, you know. You should have more days off without having to get stranded by the side of a road.” He let out another laugh. Adam had never been so simultaneously confused and relieved.

“I’ll see you in class,” he continued, straightening his back. “You’ll like today’s class, Adam, we’re having a debate about Hamilton’s economic policies.”

“Sounds fun,” Adam said, genuinely, as Walsh headed down the hallway.

Then, gently, under his breath, “That went better than expected.”

“Jesus, Adam,” Gansey said. “Not everything is a battle. You’ve proven yourself here already. They trust you.”

Adam opened his mouth to make a biting remark, then closed it. He’d been possessed by a demon yesterday. He’d nearly lost both Gansey and Ronan. Maybe Gansey was right. Not everything was a battle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I never took AP Gov, myself, so I don't know what they would learn in it. I just threw in whatever sounded right.  
> Also, I might be projecting a little onto Adam because I also was a good student who was terrified of disappointing my teachers by being absent. I feel like that's something Adam would do.


	3. Ronan

The Barns seemed to be made of nothing but ghosts when Ronan looked out on them in the afternoon. October made the fields misty and greyish-brown, and the cows were still sleeping. Sleeping dreams, dead dreamer. Dead dreams, too.

He curled his knees further into himself and ran his hands across the grainy wood of the porch. Put in his headphones and tried to drown out thinking about his mother. Or Noah, who was gone now too. 

A tap on his shoulder. He looked up. It was Declan.

Ronan inclined his head, meaning, you can sit but we’re not gonna talk. Declan sat.

Electronica pounded in his ears, worming its way in between his thoughts, matching time with each night horror that lived there. He breathed in. Breathed out. Tried not to think about Adam. Tried not to think about his mother. 

Why did his life play with him like this? Batting between horror and beauty. 

The porch shook, and Ronan took out his headphones in time to hear little hooves scrambling over to him.

“Kerah?” Orphan Girl asked. Ronan scooped her up and sat her on his lap.

Declan looked curiously at him.

“From your dreams, right?” he asked.

Ronan nodded. He hadn’t had time to explain Orphan Girl yet. Hell, he wasn’t sure what she was himself. His creation? A sister? His daughter? 

Orphan Girl reached up and grabbed Declan’s shirt.

“Huh,” Ronan said. “Not usually this friendly.”

“Like you,” Declan said. “What’s your name?” he asked her.

She stared at him, then said something in her dream-language.

“I told you, Latin or English,” Ronan chided her.

“What’s name?” she said.

“It’s what you call something,” Ronan said. “Or someone. Like my name’s Ronan. His name’s Declan.”

It hadn’t occurred to him to name her. He’d named Chainsaw right away, but Chainsaw was a bird. Humans- or whatever Orphan Girl was- needed something more complicated. Didn’t they?

Before he could try and think of a name, the back door opened again, and it was Matthew.

“Hey,” he said. “A car just pulled into the driveway. I think it’s Adam’s.”

Ronan nearly jumped. Then he said, “OK, let him in. Tell him we’re out back.”

Adam was something else that needed a name. They were going to have to talk about that eventually- what the hell they were now. God. He hated talking. He just wanted to see Adam.

“I’m leaving, then,” Declan said, getting up. “Don’t really feel like seeing Parrish.”

“Yeah, OK,” Ronan said. Orphan Girl curled back up into his lap when Declan left.

“Hey, Ronan,” Adam said as he opened the back door. He sat down, incredibly close to Ronan on the steps, and held out his hand for Orphan Girl, who took it.

“Hey,” Ronan said. Something in him rose and then settled, quiet.

“How was your day?” Adam asked.

Ronan shrugged. “OK,” he said. “About as OK as funeral planning can get, anyway.”

Adam didn’t say anything pitying in response to that, just leaned in until their shoulders were touching.

“When is it?” he asked. “The funeral.”

Ronan sighed. “Tomorrow morning,” he said. “There isn’t- when Cabeswater died, it took everything, so there isn’t a- a body.” He swallowed. “Declan called and arranged a memorial service with the church. It’s gonna be early. At sunrise.”

He’d told Adam once about how Aurora’s favorite time of day was sunrise, because her name meant sunrise. Probably he didn’t remember.

“Did you tell Gansey and the others?” Adam asked. 

Ronan shook his head. 

“Do you want them to come?”

He didn’t know, so he said, “I don’t know.”

“Is it OK if I come?”

“Of course it’s OK,” Ronan said. “Jesus. But you’ll miss more school-”

“That doesn’t matter,” Adam said, instantly, and Ronan bit his lip to keep from letting out whatever embarrassing display of emotion was crawling up his throat. 

Adam leaned in closer, wrapped his free arm around Ronan’s waist. Ronan released a warm breath. They both watched Orphan Girl play with Adam’s hand, exploring it like she did every new object. 

When she tried to bite one of Adam’s fingers, Ronan said, “Hey. You can’t bite people.”

She gave him a menacing glare, then released Adam’s hand.

“I have chem homework,” Adam said. “Do you want to come inside and help me with it?”

“Asshole,” Ronan said. “You know I hate chemistry.”

But he followed Adam inside, Orphan Girl trailing behind them, sitting next to Adam at the kitchen table as he opened his worn-down textbook. Ronan went to get some bread from the fridge to make a sandwich. Orphan Girl leaned over Adam’s textbook, asking questions.

“What’s that?”

“Periodic table of elements,” Adam said. “It’s a chart of all the different kinds of matter.”

“What’s that?” 

“That’s a scientist, I think,” Adam said. “They just put these pictures in the book to fill up space and look nice.”

“Let him do his homework in peace,” Ronan said, sitting down across from them. Orphan Girl blatantly ignored him.

“What’s that?”

“It’s a picture of different kinds of gems. They put it there to illustrate what can happen when there’s different kinds of molecular bonds.”

She pointed to one of the gems.

“Does it have a name?” she asked.

Adam looked closer at his textbook.

“I think that one’s called an opal,” he said.

She stared at it for a few seconds, running her hand over the page, then looked up at Ronan.

“Can I be called Opal?” she said.

Adam looked up, first at her, then at Ronan. He had a soft smile on his face, like he was also proud of this strange little girl.

“You want your name to be Opal?” Ronan clarified.

She nodded. “I like the colors. It looks… chewy.”

Adam burst out laughing, and she smiled toothily at him. Ronan smiled, too.

“OK,” he said. “Then you have a name. Opal.”

 

Ronan didn’t bother sleeping the night before the funeral. At 5:30, he woke up his brothers. Wordlessly, they dressed for church and climbed into Declan’s car. The roads were dark and quiet into Henrietta.

At St. Agnes, the first thing he saw was a cluster of teenagers at the edge of the lot. Gansey, Adam, and Blue. Gansey and Adam were dressed in suits; Blue was wearing a black dress with bows and jewels sewn in at random intervals. They turned when they saw Declan’s car roll in.

Gansey strolled over and instantly took Ronan’s hand when he got out of the car and hugged him. Ronan stood still, not wanting to fall apart.

“You’re going to be all right,” Gansey said. “We’re all here for you.”

Declan and Matthew got out of the car. Opal jumped down onto the pavement, still in her oversize sweater and skull cap. Ronan had hastily fashioned some boots for her, so the priest wouldn’t ask any questions about her hooves.

Adam and Blue walked over. Ronan nodded at Adam, who nodded back.

“Nice dress, Sargent,” he added.

“Thanks,” she said. “I added this last night.”

She pointed to a black rose on her waist. At a closer look he realized it wasn’t black, just dark red- from the garden in Cabeswater.

He was going to fall apart.

“Service is starting in ten minutes,” he said. “Come on.”

They walked into the church, and Ronan startled. The whole place was draped in roses of every color. At the altar, yellow, red, and pink ones were arranged in the pattern of a sunrise, surrounding a photo of Niall and Aurora holding each other and laughing.

“We didn’t plan this,” he said, when he caught his breath.

“No, Adam did,” Gansey said. “We came here early to set it up.”

Ronan looked back at Adam, who was red and unsure. He said, carefully, “I thought she would have liked it. Is it- is it OK?”

Ronan could not stop himself- he surged forward and kissed Adam, not caring that Declan was watching, that Gansey was watching, that they were in church. He didn’t understand the violent tempest of contradictory emotions swirling through him, but it was such a relief to feel anything at all, and he wanted to feel all of it, now.

They pulled apart. Adam was bright red now. Declan’s eyebrows were raised, but he said nothing. Gansey and Blue were smiling like awkward parents.

“Gross,” Blue said, and gave a small grin.

Ronan shoved her. 

“Come on,” he said. “The priest is showing up any minute. Let’s sit.”

Matthew came over and whispered in Ronan’s ear, “About time.”

“Shut up, Matthew.”

“I mean it. Mom would be happy.”

Ronan’s eyes were brimming over with tears. Outside the rose window over the altar, he could see light joining the sky at the edge of the shedding line of trees.

 

“Hey. Wake up.”

Ronan blinked awake. He was paralyzed at first, then realized he was holding something small and papery in his hand.

Adam was standing over him, in his shitty little apartment. The place was flooded with afternoon light. He remembered suddenly that after the funeral, Adam had offered him the keys to his place and told him to go rest while he went to school and work. Opal was curled into the bed next to him, still sleeping peacefully.

“What’d you pull out of your dreams?” Adam asked.

Ronan looked down, and opened his hand. In it was a paper packet. He sat up and opened it to look inside. Seeds.

“Huh,” Adam said, peering into it. “You know what kind of seeds they are?”

“No idea,” he said. “I guess I’ll have to plant them and find out.”

Adam sat on the edge of the bed next to him, and ran a hand through Opal’s hair. Ronan grew warm watching them.

“Do you have work?” he asked.

“Just got out,” Adam said. “It’s almost 5. Did you sleep the whole day?”

He laughed, and Ronan rolled his eyes.

“Fuck you, I was tired.” He smiled anyway and looked down again at the seed packet in his hand. Thought about his dream. In it, he was on a farm. Not the Barns- some other place, of his own creation. It was spring. Raining. Blue flowers had surrounded him. The more it had rained, the faster they grew, and they sprouted blueberries. Fresh and alive as an April sky.

“I think these might be seeds for some kind of dream flower,” he said. “That has berries in it.”

Adam raised one eyebrow. “Practical and beautiful at the same time.”

Like you, Ronan thought, but he didn’t think he was ready to say anything like that quite yet. Instead he said, “I’ll have to see if the berries are actually edible, though.”

He kept staring at the seeds, thinking about his dream, and then Adam said, “You don’t want to go back to Aglionby, do you?”

“Do you read minds or something, Parrish?”

“No, you’re just easy to read anyway.”

Jesus. He was never going to get used to this- Adam smiling at him like that, sitting so close, knowing this was allowed.

“You should talk to Gansey,” Adam said. “About Aglionby.”

Ronan groaned. “Do I have to?”

“If you don’t, he’s going to force the school to give you a diploma, whether you want it or not,” Adam said. “Better to talk to him and get it over with now.”

“Yeah,” Ronan said. “Yeah, you’re right.”

“I’m always right,” Adam said, leaning in to capture Ronan’s mouth with his own. Ronan melted against him, slid his hands into Adam’s hair. His heart was racing.

They were interrupted shortly after by a loud shriek of, “Kerah!”

“Jesus, Opal,” Ronan said, after he and Adam broke away from each other. “No need to shout.”

She looked curiously back and forth between Ronan and Adam, and both of them flushed red. Ronan knew she was wondering what the hell they’d been doing.

But she didn’t ask- just wriggled her way in between them and then jumped off the bed. Adam laughed, and Ronan’s mouth quirked into a smile. This was so strange and wonderful.

Adam pushed back and leaned against the wall, sitting next to Ronan, as Opal walked around the room and examined various objects. She didn’t seem to be causing any destruction, so the two of them left her alone. Adam reached over to where he’d left his backpack by the bed and pulled out the book he was reading for English and opened it up. Ronan pulled his knees to his chest and watched him.

His mind drifted to the funeral in the morning, and cold rushed back into his chest at that awful reminder: my mother is dead. He clenched his fists around the sheets underneath him, closed his eyes, tried to forget. He didn’t want to think about it anymore. She was gone. What was the point in thinking about it? But how could he dare to stop thinking about it? Why was she gone? Why had they put her in Cabeswater? He could have stopped it. He couldn’t stop it now. Wasn’t this supposed to be over? God damn it. 

“Ronan?” Adam said softly.

He opened his eyes. 

“Do you want to leave?” Adam asked. “You’ve been cooped up in here all day, maybe you need some air-”

“No,” Ronan said. “No, I just want to be here.”

He found Adam’s hand and curled his own around it, then closed his eyes and leaned back against the wall.

Things were going to settle. His life would find new patterns, beautiful new patterns, grow new tendrils of leaf and ink and feathers. He was going to find his way out of his grief this time, not like after his father’s death. He was going to be all right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really don't know anything about Catholicism, so I don't know if funerals work that way- like, are the guys who run the show called priests or something else? Would that rose display thing be allowed? I'm going to assume that kissing someone during a funeral is considered pretty tasteless, but oh well, it worked with the plot. Ronan hates following rules anyway.  
> Also, I love Opal so much.


	4. Blue

If she’d thought going to school was a waste of time last week, it was even more pointless this week.

The rush of Gansey being alive had lasted a while, but then she’d started being wracked with nightmares, whether she was asleep or not. Cabeswater drooping down into a melting black swamp. Gwenllian bursting out of the attic shrieking about Neeve dying, about a demon. The blind panic that had struck her when Gansey had disappeared. The look in Adam’s eyes when he’d been possessed, wild and inhuman, then filled with agonizing guilt- and that giant hornet, latching onto Ronan, and then the way everything had stopped so terribly when Gansey died in her arms. 

Every time she tried to focus in class, she saw Gansey’s last breath swirl out of him again.

He’s alive, she reminded herself. We brought him back.

She hated being at school.

Sometimes she reached around with her energy, thinking, illogically, that Noah would be there. He often visited her at school to cheer her up. Except he wouldn’t do that anymore. He would never, ever do that again.

After school, the day of Aurora’s funeral, she got onto her bike and headed to Nino’s for work. The manager had accepted her explanation of having been sick the days she skipped- Maura had been wise enough to call in on Monday and Tuesday, saying that Blue was bedridden. Work sucked, too, but at least it was mostly routine- faking politeness, wiping down tables, taking orders. She could tune it out if she needed to.

When she got to Nino’s, she parked her bike in the back and signed in, then put on her uniform and headed to the front to wait for the afternoon rush. Except- there was already one customer out front. Gansey, sitting in his Aglionby uniform at the counter.

“Oh, hello, Jane,” he said, in a terrible attempt at nonchalance. “Fancy seeing you here.”

She rolled her eyes and leaned over the counter, delighting in seeing how he turned a faint shade of pink when she got closer to him. 

“I’m the one who works here,” she said. “What are you doing here?”

“Hoping to see you,” he said, in that wonderful honest Gansey voice.

“Same here,” she said, then leaned in and kissed his cheek. He released a longing sort of noise at that. She pulled back and said, “But I’m afraid you’ll have to order something if you want to stay here. Otherwise, make room for the paying customers.”

“Tease,” he said, laughing, and she replied, “That’s a very misogynistic term, did you know that?”

He turned red. “Oh, I- I didn’t mean-”

“I’m kidding,” she said. “I mean, it is, but I know you didn’t mean it that way. Plus,” she added, smiling mischievously, “I like teasing you. And I like when you complain about it.”

“I’d never complain about you, Jane.”

“Don’t get too sappy on me, now.”

The door opened with a ring, and a couple of loud Aglionby boys wandered in. Blue sighed and headed to work, leaving Gansey to seat himself in the corner with his homework and, eventually, an order of coffee. He stayed there throughout her shift, providing the occasional glance and flirty comment, and she could never express how grateful she was for it. The constant reminder that he was okay after all.

When her shift ended, he walked with her through the back and said, very carefully, “Do you want to go out to dinner with me?”

She looked up at him. He looked incredibly nervous.

“A date?” she asked.

“I- well- if you want to call it that-”

“Yes,” she said. “I’d love to. Let me call home first and let them know.”

She borrowed Gansey’s phone and called the house, and suffered through an obnoxious conversation with Orla, who wanted to provide her with a lot of unnecessary advice about dates. Finally she managed to end the call and say to Gansey, “OK, let’s go.”

They loaded her bike in the back of the newly found and fixed-up Camaro, which Gansey drove out of Henrietta.

“Where are we going?” Blue asked.

“I found this place,” Gansey said. “A weird café place. It’s got mismatched furniture and bizarre foods and tacky décor. I thought you would like it.”

“Sounds about right,” she said. She leaned against the back of the chair and smiled over at him. He glanced at her and smiled back.

This was allowed.

The café was as strange and sweet as Gansey had described it, and they ordered inexpensive dishes- pasta with unusual sauces and unheard-of vegetables, small pastries, a cup of tea that was inexplicably blue. Gansey told her about his day, which was mostly Aglionby bullshit, and a call from Ronan an hour ago letting him know that he wasn’t going to be back at Monmouth that night. 

Blue shivered at that. Not that she hadn’t been alone with Gansey at his place before. But now- it was different. Wasn’t it.

Their feet brushed under the table, and Blue smiled up at Gansey. He smiled back, unveiled and unpretending.

“What about your day?” he asked.

“Eh,” she said. “School is terrible. Nothing new there.”

His expression creased into worry.

“Do you need any help?” he asked. “Is- is someone bothering you? Or is it-”

“No, calm down, Gansey, jeez,” she said. “I just…”

She sighed.

“I just hate feeling like I’ll never escape this town,” she admitted. “And this shitty high school makes me feel more and more like I have no chance at… something more.”

He took her hand from across the table, looked her in the eye.

“I’m not just saying this because- well- because of how I feel about you,” he said. “You have so many opportunities, I promise. You are…” He looked down at their hands. “You are a magical thing, Blue Sargent. You’re not confined to this town, you know that, right?”

“I know,” she muttered, suddenly kind of annoyed. “Look, I know I deserve more than staying in this place forever, but- it’s not that easy to just up and leave. It costs money to have a future like that.”

Gansey looked up at her.

“I know,” he said. “I know. I know it’s not easy, but you are capable of taking on difficult things. You can find a way, I know you can, I know there are options, and I’ll help you find a way, if you want me to. I don’t mean to ignore reality. I just want you to know that your future isn’t hopeless.”

The tension between them softened again.

“Thanks,” she said. “You’re good at these inspirational speech things. Nerd.”

He laughed, and let go of her hand to go back to his dinner.

It was a little past 8 when they drove back to Monmouth, headed inside, and in the dark space of the entrance staircase they bumped shoulders and Blue was overcome with a sudden need to touch him.

“Hey,” she said quietly, when they got inside and the warm yellow light flicked on. He turned to face her, wonderfully close, and whispered, “What is it?”

“Let’s make up for lost time,” she said, and then grabbed the collar of his Aglionby sweater and pulled him down and kissed him. He fell back, flustered, and fell in a heap on the couch.

She clapped her hand to her face, smiling uncontrollably. 

“Aah! I’m so sorry, Jane- I was just- I was surprised-”

Blue climbed onto the couch next to him and took his face in her hands. He was bright red and it was adorable and also attractive as hell.

“This is weird,” she said. “Being allowed to kiss you at all.”

“If you don’t want to, we don’t have to,” Gansey said.

“Do you want to?” she asked.

“Yes.”

“Me, too.”

They stared at each other for a few tense moments, then Blue jumped on him and they were kissing. She relaxed into him- finally. All those months of late night drives and phone calls and not letting their lips touch and now they were alone and it was so good and real. 

Gansey fell back against the couch, lying down, staring up at her like she was a starry sky, and she kissed him again, hungry and desperate and not really daring to believe this was happening. He wrapped his arms around her and his hands were in her spiky, messy hair and she pushed herself against him and he released her mouth for a moment to take a long, shuddering breath.

“Blue,” he breathed, eyes still closed. “I think- I need a break.”

She caught her breath.

“Yeah,” she said. “Yeah, let’s just… rest for a bit.”

Her head fell against his chest, which was rising and falling rapidly, and they just lay there, both shaking, until their heartbeats went back to normal.

“That was nice,” Gansey murmured.

“Mmm,” she said. “Yeah, it was.”

“I really like you,” Gansey said.

“I really like you too.”

 

The next afternoon, Blue went out to the beech tree. Artemus had emerged shortly after they’d killed the demon, but he still spent most of his time either in or near the tree. Calla and Maura had bribed Gwenllian to leave him alone (and, Blue suspected, blackmailed her a bit as well, for Calla’s part). 

It was one of those October days that could not decide what it wanted to be. Soft sunlight one hour, dark windstorms the next. When Blue settled herself under her tree, leaves were spinning up and around in the air, making her think of dancing shadows, or a flock of ravens. She shuddered and closed her eyes. She could not bear to remember the sight of Gansey being swept away by those ravens again.

She leaned back against the tree, hoping Artemus wouldn’t see her crying, and then suddenly-

The instant she’d touched the tree, a wave of calm had washed over her. She could feel roots extending into her skin, but when she opened her eyes, she saw nothing there.

It wasn’t as though she’d never felt this before. Every time she’d gone out to the beech tree in her life, caught in one storm or another, she’d felt a warm comfort at its very touch. A kindred sort of understanding. But then, she had not known, then, the full extent to which magic was real. Even in trees. Even in herself. 

When she looked up at the leaves, her eyes readjusted, and she saw every leaf for what it was- a dancer in the delicate ballet that was her tree. She caught a falling leaf in her hand and looked at it, then startled- it had suddenly glowed, changing from half-rotted brown to bright green, to a spring bloom, then it turned to soil in her hands. But no, that was an illusion- it was still the color of October.

What was going on?

“You see it, too,” Artemus said.

He walked tentatively around the edge of the tree. Blue tensed. She was not quite comfortable around her father yet.

“What is it?” she asked.

“The truth,” he said. “Humans and trees alike look like lies. Humans can see the truth of other humans, when they love them. Tir-e e-lintes can see the truth of trees, when they love them.”

“I’ve never seen this before, though,” Blue said.

“You didn’t know you could,” he said. 

She stared down at the leaf in her palm. Now that she was used to it, the cycle of seasons slowed and showed the leaf as it was now. But she felt that- that truth reverberate inside her. It was not dying. It would become soil, feed the tree, serve the tree again. Become a leaf again. It was like Gansey, falling and searching and rising.

The storm quieted.

 

Thursdays, she worked the night shift at Nino’s, so at seven Maura dropped her off. When she got in, she saw that Adam, Gansey, and Henry were already there, seated in a booth near the back.

“Jane!” Gansey cried out, when he spotted her, and she sent him a friendly wave. Night shifts didn’t provide nearly as much down time to talk with Gansey as afternoon shifts did, since they were always busier. He seemed a little annoyed at that, which annoyed her in turn. Did he think he deserved more of her attention than her job did?

She hated herself for feeling like that. He’d died earlier that week- what right did she have to be annoyed with him for wanting attention?

Wait, what the hell was she thinking? She had every right to be as annoyed as she wanted. Christ, what had happened to her?

Around ten, when the night crowd started dying down, she took a break and sat herself on a stool in the kitchen to breathe. This was so much goddamn stress. Trying to navigate this new whatever-it-was with Gansey, which obviously wasn’t perfect, but she wanted it to be perfect. It was so irrational, but she didn’t want there to be human conflict, not after there had already been so many magical conflicts. She didn’t want to deal with this now.

The door to the kitchen opened. It was Gansey.

“Hi,” she said, tired.

“Are you all right?” he asked. “You seem a little overwhelmed.”

“Well, I’m working the night shift, so I’m kind of busy, yeah,” she said, irritated. 

He sighed, and went over to stand next to her.

“Adam,” he began, then cleared his throat and began again. “Adam just, well, yelled at me a bit for bothering you during your shift. And I didn’t want to believe him that I was bothering you, but- I’m sorry.”

She looked up. 

“Richard Gansey III sympathizing with the struggle of the working class,” she said. “Never thought I’d see this day.”

He shrugged, awkwardly, and then added, “Dying twice makes you reconsider when you might be hurting people.”

She smiled, a little, then wrapped her arms around his waist.

“Thank you for being considerate,” she said. 

He reached down to hug her back, and then she heard the door of Nino’s open, and Gansey said, “I’ll let you get back to work.”

Her shift ended half an hour later, and she walked out to see Gansey and Adam heading to the Pig. Henry walked over to where Blue had parked her bicycle.

“Hello there, blue-jay,” he said. She smiled at the new nickname.

“Hello yourself,” she replied. “You’re not going with Adam and Gansey?”

“Nah,” he said. “I wanted to take a late night walk. Calms me down.”

“Adam and Gansey fighting again?”

“Ha! When are they not?”

She snickered at that, then stopped before mounting her bike. “Wanna walk home with me? It’s not too far. Might be out of your way, but-”

“Blue,” he said, fake-scandalized. “Are you proposing cheating on your boyfriend?”

“Oh yes. An atrocious affair. Taking a walk together. What will the neighbors say?”

He laughed, and they set off in the direction of Fox Way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> otherwise known as, an attempt at the Gansey classism redemption arc that never was


	5. Henry

Did he belong anywhere?

Surely not in the glittering, knife-edged world of Seondeok and the magical artifact dealers. Not in the hallowed halls of Aglionby, marked with gleaming photographs of rich white men. In Litchfield, he coated himself in sarcasm and pop culture references, safe in the prickly spikes of his gang.

But it wasn’t… something more.

It was pretending to be unafraid. Not being afraid and happy. Not taking on the world.

He liked Gansey. He liked Gansey, and he liked Blue, and he was unsure of their friendship every second, but it was strange and wonderful.

But he didn’t belong there either.

And damn it, he hated it. He hated their little tiptoes and uncertainties and oh-right, Cheng’s-coming-along-too. He hated Adam’s tiny laughs every time he did something a little too ‘weird,’ a little not white enough for them. And he hated Ronan’s glares.

They were in Monmouth, and it was the weekend after Gansey had died, and he was like a puzzle piece that didn’t fit into the puzzle. Like everywhere else in his life. And he was showing Blue a K-pop video on his phone, and Ronan said from the other end of the couch, “Wait, is that Korean? I thought you were Chinese.”

Henry forced a smile, though it was more like a grimace, and said, “Half and half, actually.”

Blue put a hand on his knee, almost protectively.

“Half and half? Like… what you put in coffee?” Ronan added, and Adam let out an obnoxious laugh, and Henry dropped his phone on Blue’s lap, got up, and walked out the door.

The door hadn’t even closed when he heard Blue say, “Fuck you, Ronan,” and then run after him.

“Come on,” she said, and took him by the hand, walking him down the stairs and out into the cold air. He closed his eyes, let a shudder run through him, and then startled when he felt Blue hug him fiercely.

“You have every right to be mad at them,” she said against his ear, then let go.

He sighed, looking down at her. She was a battery powered with anger, eyebrows furrowed, fists clenched.

“They don’t like me, do they?” he said.

“Ugh,” she spit. “No. They’re just fucking assholes. Well- Ronan’s an asshole. And Adam goes along with everything he does. But you know what, no. I’m not letting them get away with this. You don’t deserve to have- to have who you are be mocked.”

“Blue, who I am is always mocked.”

“Like that makes it better! You deserve a fucking safe space. God. I’m going to punch Ronan in the face. Well, no, I’m not. I’m going to metaphorically punch Ronan in the face.”

He laughed, shakily, then said, “You astound me, blue-jay.”

“Oh no,” she said. “Don’t start with the Gansey compliments. ‘You astound me.’ I’m just doing my job as your friend.”

His smile grew a little wider at that. Friend. That was new. Even the Litchfield crew didn’t feel quite like friends- at least, not this kind of friendship, fierce and cold and true as river water.

The front door opened, and Henry tensed again, glancing around. It was Adam, looking annoyed and, oddly, apologetic.

“Hey,” he said quietly. “Cheng. Henry. I’m sorry. That was a dick thing to say.”

“Yeah, well, why doesn’t the dick who said it come out to apologize,” Blue said.

“Because he doesn’t know how to handle emotional confrontations,” Adam said. “He’s sorry, too.”

“Not good enough,” Blue said, then started shouting, “Lynch, get your ass down here and apologize!”

“It’s OK, Blue,” Henry said, and Adam added, “He’ll apologize when he’s ready.”

Blue grumbled, but crossed her arms and stopped yelling.

“Look,” Adam said, looking back at Henry. “I’m- Ronan and I- aren’t really used to new people being friends with us. But that doesn’t excuse how we’ve been treating you. I remember when I joined the group, Ronan and Noah were always assholes to me. They were always-” He paused and rubbed his neck awkwardly. “They were always making comments about me being poor. About my trailer, and my shitty clothes and stuff. And I remember one day Gansey telling them that they didn’t have to like me, but they had to stop making it about my background, because I got enough shit for that already. Not that it stopped them, and not like Gansey isn’t classist too, but…” He sighed, and looked at Henry hopefully.

Henry nodded. Some of the weight fell away from around his lungs.

“They shouldn’t be classist to you,” Henry said. “And you shouldn’t be racist to me.”

“Yeah,” Adam said. “Yeah, and we need to stop acting like it isn’t a problem.”

He held his hand forward, polite and strangely formal, and Henry shook it.

“Friends, then?” Adam said.

“Friends,” Henry agreed. Blue’s face lit up.

“Wait ‘til I tell Gansey you two are friends,” she said. “He’s been agonizing about it this whole week.”

“Why am I not surprised?” Henry said, and Adam laughed- a genuine, kind laugh this time. They headed back up the stairs, where Adam started work on his homework, and Blue and Henry watched a drama on Netflix. Ronan was nowhere to be seen. Gansey was still out doing Gansey things at Aglionby.

It was nearing dusk when Ronan emerged from his room, expression unclear. Henry glanced up at him, and he winced.

“Uh- Cheng,” he said.

“Got anything to fucking say for yourself,” Blue muttered, and Ronan added, “Shut up, Sargent.”

“What is it?” Henry asked.

“Sorry for being a dick.”

“Thanks,” Henry said. Ronan’s face looked genuinely pained, the most honest expression he’d ever seen on it.

He climbed down into the main room and sat down on the couch, hands awkwardly between his legs. Then he said, “Looked up some of your articles in the Aglionby newsletter. They were, uh- pretty good, actually. They were really funny.”

“Are you just saying that, Lynch?”

“No, I mean it. I-” His face spread into a wicked grin. “I didn’t know you did a cover of Murder Squash.”

At this, a collective groan erupted through the room.

“No, Henry, you traitor,” Blue wailed, and Adam collapsed onto his textbook.

“Am I missing something here?” Henry asked.

“Oh, they just don’t appreciate musical genius,” Ronan said. “Can I hear it? Your cover, I mean?”

“Sure,” Henry said, cracking a grin to match Ronan’s. “I love being annoying.”

“See, he gets it,” Ronan said, and Adam said, “I’m regretting calling you my friend, Henry,” but he was half-laughing as he said it.

Maybe it was possible to belong somewhere, Henry thought. Or at least, to try.

 

They were in the Pig when Henry saw it.

Gansey was driving him back to Litchfield, going on about some rowing team debacle, and Henry was in the passenger seat, cracking friendly jokes at his expense. Blue was curled up in the back, trying to catch up on some homework and not really putting a lot of effort into it. It was Sunday afternoon and the world seemed, at last, to be coming to some sort of peace.

Then Henry saw it.

Laumonier’s signature car, parked in front of Litchfield. It was dangerously empty. The two leftover brothers could be anywhere.

“Gansey,” he said, voice like a warning.

“What is it?” Gansey said.

“They’re here. Laumonier.”

All three of them sat up, instantly tense.

“What the hell?” Blue hissed. “I thought they got scared out of town by the demon. I thought all the dealers left after Piper got shot.”

“I thought so, too,” Henry said. “Apparently they’ve got unfinished business.”

Gansey parked the car on the other side of the road, quickly and carefully, then got out.

“Gansey!” Blue said. “Don’t just-”

“If they’re here, we should deal with them,” he said. “I’m not letting them threaten you anymore, Henry. I’m not letting them threaten Henrietta.”

“That’s sweet, Gansey-man, but they’re dangerous,” Henry said. “You don’t want to die again.”

“I don’t plan on-”

Then all three of them became silent and still. The Gray Man was strolling out of Litchfield, gun casually in hand, followed by the two remaining Laumonier brothers.

“Ah,” Gray said, impeccably casual. “Gansey’s here. And as you can see, he hasn’t got Henry Cheng with him.”

He emphasized the last part, very loudly, so that Henry could tell he wasn’t immediately visible yet, but Henry instantly slid down in his chair so he was completely hidden from view.

“Gray,” Gansey said, his voice still audible to Henry from his spot crouched in the passenger seat. “What are you doing?”

“What I should have done a long time ago,” Gray said.

Blue’s hand snaked over from the back seat to press against Henry’s shoulder. Henry took shallow, quiet breaths.

_RoboBee, stay quiet. And be ready if I need you._

“A new kind of supernatural artifacts business,” Gray continued. “Without murder. Without kidnapping. Without threats. And to ensure that, I want to pay Laumonier to stay out of it.”

“Pay?” Gansey said.

In his dangerous, French-accented voice, one Laumonier said, “Payment is a generous term for human trafficking.”

“Human trafficking,” Gansey said slowly.

“That’s the part we don’t agree on,” Gray said.

“There is one way to ensure we leave,” the second Laumonier brother said. “We take more down with us. We want Seondeok’s son. For good this time.”

Henry pressed into himself. _RoboBee, don’t make a goddamn sound._

He could almost hear Gansey tensing, forcing himself into business-Gansey, and then Gansey spoke again.

“I think there’s another way,” he said. “Gray, don’t you?”

And then two almost inaudible cracking sounds.

“Oh God,” Gansey gasped. “Oh God.”

Henry glanced up at Blue, eyes wide and terrified, and Blue said, “You can get up, you can get up, oh my God-”

He shot up, looking out the window, and let out the start of a scream before he stopped himself. Laumonier lay dead on the pavement, necks snapped.

“Bloodless gun,” Gray said, cool and collected. “Niall Lynch dreamed it. I’ve never used it before. Never using it again.”

“We’re in- oh God- we’re in public,” Gansey said. “Someone’s gonna see them-”

“Relax,” Gray said. “No one’s watching us, but they will if you keep talking. You’re the one who suggested I kill them, anyway.”

“You what?” Blue exclaimed. “When did you talk about this?”

“We didn’t! I implied it, just now! I didn’t know it was going to be- death!”

“It was necessary,” Gray said. “To protect your friend. To protect this whole town. Laumonier was the cornerstone of this business. This was their last-ditch effort to make a mess again. With them gone, there’ll be room for something other than horror in the supernatural world.”

Henry hadn’t realized he was dizzy until Blue had to steady him with an arm.

“I believe,” Gray said, looking pointedly at him, “that your bee has something that can take care of these bodies.”

Henry nodded, not ready to speak.

_RoboBee, make Laumonier invisible._

They flickered out of sight.

“Good,” Gray said. “Now let’s get them out of here.”

“I’m not putting dead bodies in the Pig,” Gansey said.

Gray shrugged. “I’ll take them in their own car, then.” Seemingly effortlessly, he lifted the invisible weights into the back of their own trunk. Gansey shuddered in horror.

“How can you live with that man, Blue?” he asked quietly.

“He is terrifying,” she said, voice still shaky. “But if what he did saved Henry, then I’m willing to put up with him.”

Gray gave them a curt wave and drove off in Laumonier’s car. Henry released a long breath. He had not realized he was crying until now.

“They’re dead,” he said, finally. “I don’t believe it. They’re gone.”

Blue wrapped her arms around him from the backseat, awkwardly but firmly, and said, “They can never hurt you anymore. I won’t let anything hurt you anymore. Got it?”

He hugged her back.

Gansey crawled into the driver’s seat and hugged Henry from the other side. They stayed like that for a while, until they were all breathing normally again.

“Thank you,” Henry whispered.

“Do you feel safe going into Litchfield?” Gansey asked. “Because if you want us to stay with you- or you want to stay at Monmouth for the night-”

“Nah,” Henry said. “I’ve got RoboBee watching out for me. And my crew. And I don’t think Mrs. Woo is going to let anyone stain her furniture with blood or anything else.”

“Good,” Gansey said, and they both released him.

Blue reached forward and ruffled his hair affectionately. “I gotta come up with a cute nickname for you,” she said. “Just like you do for us.”

“Nicknames are my domain, Drill Sargent,” he said, and she laughed.

“Good one,” she said.

“Thanks again,” he said, wiping away a few straggling tears, and got out of the car. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Gansey.”

“See you, Henry,” Gansey said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't love Gray, but I wanted to get rid of all obstacles to my son Henry's safety, and he seemed like the retired hitman for the job.  
> I also really wanted to do something to respond to Maggie's casual racism in TRK, so that's what inspired the first half of this chapter. I hope it came across well- if anyone has any issues with it, please let me know.


	6. Who I Am: Adam

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I titled the first five chapters after characters, so the next few will be named after concepts.

Adam was pulled out of his focus on his chem study guide by a loud, pealing giggle from Opal. He rarely heard such purely happy noises from her, so he looked up from where he was sitting at the picnic table.

            He, Henry, and Gansey were taking advantage of one of the last nice days in October to enjoy the weather, by doing their homework outside, in the park near Aglionby. Well. Adam was doing his homework. Henry and Gansey had been talking about student council until Ronan had shown up with Opal, and then they had started playing with her.

            “She’s a lot less shy now,” Gansey noted, watching how she laughed merrily chasing after RoboBee.

            “She was never shy,” Adam said, drawing the attention of all three boys, two of whom had nearly forgotten he was there. “She was scared.”

            Ronan nodded. “Yeah. She grew up in a fucking nightmare-scape. Not surprised she was a little reluctant to make friends.”

            “She wasn’t reluctant to make friends with Parrish,” Gansey said.

            Ronan turned immediately red, then said, “Well. I…” He failed to come up with a sarcastic comment, and stared up at the twist of falling leaves above them.

            Chainsaw chose that moment to land herself swiftly on Adam’s head, and Henry let out a noise of sudden understanding.

            “You and your dream things have similar taste, Lynch,” he said, from where he was leaned casually against the edge of a picnic bench.

            Adam and Ronan looked at each other, both with slightly horrified expressions. Adam guessed Ronan wasn’t fond of casually talking about this whole thing, either.

            Well, it wasn’t so much _not fond_ as it was _oh God, what if I’m more invested than he is, and everyone finds out what a fucking sappy disaster I am._

Chainsaw fluttered gently onto Adam’s arm and buried her head affectionately into Adam’s shoulder, and Adam felt warmth spread throughout his chest. Ronan wanted this- wanted _him_. He could let himself believe it at least for this minute, even if he was going to go back to doubting it the next minute.

            He let his face curve into a smile, and Ronan smiled too. Then Ronan turned back to Henry and Gansey, who were both smirking slightly after that incredibly long awkward silence, and said, “Opal’s not my dream thing. She existed outside of my head, just like Cabeswater did. I just pulled her out.”

            “Oh, yeah, because that’s the point of what Henry said,” Gansey teased, and then he and Henry started cracking up.

            “Assholes,” Ronan said, and pushed himself off the top of their picnic table to head over to Adam’s. He swung an arm around Adam, casually, then dropped a kiss on the top of his head. Adam blushed and said, “OK, I have to study.”

            “Can I sit here while you study?” Ronan asked, quietly, into his hearing ear.

            “If it shuts them up,” Adam said, gesturing towards Henry and Gansey, who were still looking over obnoxiously.

            “That’s a noble cause,” Ronan said, and sat down next to Adam, arm around his waist, head on his shoulder. Adam tried to get back to his chemistry notes, but Chainsaw sat herself on top of them.

            “Get your bird off my study guide, Lynch.”

            “Get your study guide off my bird, Parrish. Chainsaw’s allergic to boring things.”

            Adam rolled his eyes, and Henry shouted, “Your witty banter fails dramatically to mask your mutual affection!”

            Gansey laughed at that, and Ronan yelled, “Your big words fail to mask your annoying personality!”

            “An insult from Ronan Lynch,” Henry said. “I really feel like part of the group now, Gansey.”

            Opal barreled straight into a tree at that moment, stopping Ronan from replying. He shot up and ran towards her.

            Adam got up five seconds later, when he realized that Opal had been genuinely hurt. He ran over.

            She was putting on a brave face, but tears were running out of her bright eyes, and Adam’s heart broke. Ronan was on the ground, picking her up and gently settling her on his lap.

            “Hey,” he said quietly. “Shh. This is why you don’t run into trees.”

            “It’s not your fault,” Adam added quickly, kneeling beside them. “It was an accident, Opal.”

            “Yeah, exactly. You just gotta be more careful. I’m going to get you a Band-Aid or some shit and you’ll feel better. OK?”

            Opal nodded slowly, her lip trembling. Adam very carefully brushed her hair away from her forehead, which was bruising.

            Henry and Gansey had made their way over and were standing above them.

            “I don’t think a Band-Aid is going to help here,” Gansey said. “You might need to hold some ice to that bruise.”

            “Ice?” Opal asked, sounding worried. She hadn’t heard of ice yet, and didn’t quite trust Gansey yet either.

            “That’s just cold water,” Ronan said. “Jesus, Gansey, don’t scare her.”

            “Why don’t you take her home?” Adam said.

            Opal let out a wail at that.

            “But I want to see you, Adam!” she cried.

            “I’m going to see you tonight, Opal,” he promised. “I have to finish studying and go to work, but I’ll come over to visit you.”

            “You don’t have to do that,” Ronan said, in a lower tone.

            “No, I want to,” Adam said. “Come on.” He lifted himself up off the ground, picking up Opal so that Ronan could get up himself.

            Opal tried to bury her head in Adam’s neck, then winced, and Adam froze. Her bruise. Damn it. He should have been watching her. He shouldn’t have let her get hurt. For a terrifying second, he was convinced he had been the one who’d hurt her.

            No. He would never hurt her. He would never hurt an innocent child. He was not that person. Her bruise was the kind of bruise children should have, from playing outside and running too fast and laughing so much she didn’t pay attention where she was going. And her hands were curling into Adam’s shirt as she sniffled quietly, and he knew that she wasn’t scared of him.

            He carried her to the BMW, which Ronan quickly unlocked, and strapped her into the back seat- “it’s safer for children, Ronan”- and reminded Opal again that he was going to see her again that night.

            Then he headed over to the driver’s seat window.

            Ronan sighed. “Wish that this hadn’t been cut short.”

            “Don’t say that,” Adam hissed, quietly. “It’s not her fault that you have to leave early.”

            “Adam,” Ronan said. “She’s not going to be offended. Are you, Opal?”

            “What’s offended?” she asked, releasing the seatbelt from where she’d been chewing on it.

            “See? She’s fine.”

            Adam ran a hand through his hair, frustrated. “I just- I want her to know that she didn’t do anything wrong.”

            Ronan looked back at him, expression complicated again, and then said, “You haven’t done anything wrong, either. You know that, right? You never have.”

            “It’s not about me.”

            “It is.” He was talking very quietly now, ensuring Opal couldn’t hear. “Are you worried that she’s gonna feel shitty about herself? Because I’m not going to let that happen. And you’re not going to let that happen, I know you won’t. OK?”

            His eyes were fierce on Adam’s, and all the words and thoughts and convictions trying to enter Adam’s head and tell him that this was a lie, this was pity, this was a dream- they all quieted.

            He leaned forward and kissed Ronan, pouring all of that fantastically quiet feeling forward- _love_ , his mind echoed, and he just kissed him harder.

            Henry whistled in the background, and Ronan flipped him off.

            Adam could hear Gansey telling him, _it’s about being honest with yourself_. And when he was honest with himself, he knew who he was. A good person. Worthy of a crush. Worthy of a relationship. Worthy of loving, worthy of being loved.

            He let Ronan go, and Ronan let out an exhilarated breath.

            “Parrish,” he sighed. “Don’t do that in front of Opal. I think that was inappropriate for children.”

            “She’s not going to be offended,” Adam said, grinning.

            “Fuck you,” Ronan replied, full of affection. “I gotta take this kid home and heal her head already.”

            “I feel better,” Opal said from the backseat. “I wanna play again.”

            “Your bruise needs to heal,” Ronan said. “You’re gonna play again tomorrow.”

            “Kerah!”

            Ronan shook his head, and she resumed chewing on the seatbelt.

            “Take care of her,” Adam said. “I’ll see you tonight.”

            He kissed him again, a short goodbye kiss, and then let Ronan roll up the window and drive off.

 

            Gansey and Adam had a group project to get done for English, so they met up on Wednesday night in Monmouth. Gansey ordered in takeout and they spread out on the floor, dividing the worksheets and book excerpts to annotate.

            Halfway through the evening, Gansey looked up abruptly and cleared his throat. Adam glanced up at him.

            “Yeah?” Adam asked.

            “You and Blue,” he said.

            “What about me and Blue?”

            “You dated her.” Gansey looked like every word was paining him, which would have been kind of amusing if it hadn’t been so awkward a topic.

            “Are you looking for advice?” Adam asked. “Because that relationship was a bit of a disaster. Don’t ask me for advice on Blue.”

            “No, I- actually, things are going pretty well with Blue,” he said. “That’s not it.”

            “Then what?”

            “I was just wondering. How- how real of a relationship was it? Because, well…”

            “You’re jealous? Still? I’m not sure how obvious I’ve been about it, but I think it’s pretty clear that I’m over her.”

            “No…” Gansey was slightly pink now, and Adam could not for the life of him figure out what was going on. Couldn’t they just finish this accursed English project in peace?

            Then it hit him. Gansey didn’t get it.

            “Oh,” he said. “You want to know how I could have dated Blue and then dated Ronan, too.”

            He stumbled a bit over admitting outright that he was dating Ronan- they hadn’t really said it in so many words yet. But he knew when he said it that he’d hit upon Gansey’s issue.

            “Yes,” Gansey said. “I- I don’t mean to be prejudiced, or anything. I don’t mind if you’re gay, really. I just- when did you figure it out? Before dating Blue, or after?”

            Adam let out a long sigh, and sat up completely, putting aside his book.

            “I’m not gay,” he said. “I’m bisexual. I’m attracted to men and women.”

            He remembered when he’d first figured it out. He hadn’t let himself figure it out for years and years, ignoring every crush on a guy, impossibly relieved at every crush on a girl. Repressing and repressing and thinking, _this is just something everyone feels_. Then later, sitting in St. Agnes, with thoughts and images of Ronan creeping around his mind, thinking, _am I secretly gay? Was I lying to myself?_

And if there was one thing Adam hated, it was lying to himself. It was not knowing himself.

            So he’d done what he always did: research. He loved the moment in research when everything suddenly clicked, and that had happened when he’d read the little article about bisexuality- that word that never seemed to make it through the whispers and slurs in rural Virginia small towns. He’d taken the word in his hands. Clung to it. Wrapped it around himself. Gotten comfortable in it.

            “That’s who I am,” he said, now. “I know that’s who I am. Don’t tell me I’m making it up, Gansey, or I swear-”

            “I wasn’t going to say that,” Gansey said. “I’m proud of you, Adam. For being brave enough to tell me.”

            Adam pretended to gag at that.

            “I’m serious, Adam. I know Henrietta isn’t- well- fond of this sort of thing. I’m glad that you managed to know yourself despite that.”

            The warmth of friendship, that unbreakable knowledge that he’d first felt the day of his trial weeks ago, fell over Adam again. He didn’t say anything, and Gansey didn’t say anything.

            Gansey suddenly took on a pensive expression, and then asked, “So… it’s possible to be attracted to more than one gender?”

            “Yeah,” Adam said. “I just said that.”

            “I know,” Gansey said. “Just thinking about it.”

            Adam bit his lip to keep from smiling, and stopped himself from making a remark about how close Gansey and Cheng had gotten lately. He opened up his book again and returned to the never-ending English project.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> otherwise known as "guess who's projecting onto Adam again"  
> in other news, Adam Parrish is the only light in this cold, cruel world  
> (I'm also slightly worried that the characters might be a little ooc, because I really just want them to understand and love each other, not be cruel and mean. So, even though that's kind of unrealistic, oh well. I want them to be happy.)


	7. Who I Am: Blue and Gansey

Blue was exhausted.

She’d been at school and work all day, and then she’d had to go home and finish a massive load of homework, because even though it was Friday, she was working all weekend and wouldn’t have time to do it.

But she didn’t want to sleep. Her shift the next day started in the afternoon, and now it was 11 at night and she just wanted to see Gansey.

When he picked her up in the Pig, he was not surprised or annoyed to see her tired, which was what she’d expected. Instead he said, “What do you need?”

So she told him.

Now they were parked by the side of a field, in the back of the Camaro, making out. Gansey was far too shy to suggest it himself, and Blue had been unable to think about anything else all through her shift. Gansey, pressed against her with every curve and knot of his body, hands on her back and in her hair, mouth moving against hers.

She’d never really let herself want to kiss _anyone_ , and now that it was allowed she had become a little obsessed with it. She wasn’t ashamed of that- she liked being in control of her own sexuality. She liked being the one to choose who she kissed and when, rather than having fate decide it for her.

Now, though, annoyingly, she was nearly falling asleep underneath Gansey, and when he noticed, he pulled away, flushed and breathless, and said, “Jane, are you all right?”

“Tired,” she said. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry,” he said instantly. “I’m tired, too.”

She snorted at that. “No offense, Gansey, but you’ve never worked a day in your life. This is a different kind of tired than reading-about-Glendower-all-night tired.”

He looked a little hurt at that, but then he said, “Explain it to me.”

“What?” she asked.

“I want to understand. I don’t want you to think that I think of you as tired for no reason or something.”

“Yeah, well,” Blue said. “Sometimes you act like it.”

“What do you mean?”

She sighed. This was not what she’d wanted to do with her evening.

“Sometimes,” she said, “you treat Adam and me like… I don’t know. Like we’re less than you. In a nice way, I guess, but it’s still annoying. Like oh, they can’t help it, they were born that way, because they have no money.”

“You know I don’t think that about you,” Gansey said, his voice a little choked. “Or Adam, for that matter.”

“I know you _like_ us, Gansey. But it’s one thing to like us and another to respect us. I’m not tired because I don’t have as much energy as you or something. I’m tired because I had to work, and I had to work because my family doesn’t make enough money to get by without it. Like…” She struggled for an explanation that would appease him. “Like, if I don’t go to an art show or something, it’s not because I’m not smart enough to understand it. It’s because I can’t afford to. And I know you know that,” she added, quickly, before he could interrupt, “but you don’t act like you know it. Sometimes.”

Gansey sat up. It took a moment before Blue realized he was barely breathing.

“Gansey? You OK?”

“Oh, Jane, I’m fine,” he said, turning to face her. “I just hate knowing that I’ve hurt you. That I’ve hurt anyone.”

“Gansey,” she said, her voice a little softer. “I’m not mad at you.”

“I wouldn’t blame you if you were,” he said. “God. I’ve been thinking about how I treat other people, since, you know, since I died again. And I think of myself as this goddamn knight in shining armor half the time, and yet I can’t bring myself to be kind and understanding on a human level.”

Blue sat up, too, crossing her legs and placing a hand on his arm.

“You know,” she said, “there’s a difference between being a bad person and just not knowing things.”

“I know,” he said. “I know. But I want to start knowing things about other people. People who haven’t been dead for six hundred years, you know.”

She laughed at that, and kissed him.

“Does that mean you’re willing to hear my feminist rants now?” she added.

“I’m willing to hear anything from you, Blue.”

She laughed again. “You are such a sap. You’re embarrassing.”

He leaned against the backseat’s headrest and just looked at her. She liked him best when he looked like this: no painted-on expressions, just the bare essence of Gansey in the moonlight.

“You know,” he said, quietly, “I don’t think of you as less than me. I think of you as everything. And everything is not less than me.”

“I guess I knew that,” Blue said. “But it’s good to hear it.”

She leaned against the headrest as well, just looking at him, and then said, “I don’t think of you as everything, though. But you are a good piece of everything.”

“Good enough,” he said, and leaned in to kiss her again.

 

Another night, they met at Fox Way. Artemus made the effort to leave the tree for once- he was getting better at that lately. Henry joined them, and they had an incredibly awkward dinner- Blue, her tree father, her psychic mother, her boyfriend, and Henry, who broke up the tension quite well with his clever remarks and bizarre conversation topics.

After dinner, they headed out to the backyard and lay in the grass, looking up at the stars. Henry and Gansey talked on and on about some Aglionby drama, and she drifted out of listening to them, looking at the canopy of leaves and space above her. The leaves shifted in her vision, which she was getting used to now, and she could see the roots of the tree working through the bark, glittering as silver as the stars did.

_Tell me, when you dream, do you dream of the stars?_

She could not come to terms with who she was.

All her life, she’d been very determinedly one thing: not a psychic. Not magic. Now, in the space of a couple of weeks, she’d discovered that she had mirror magic and tree magic. That the supernatural had been hiding in her this whole time.

And damn it, if she’d known about it earlier, it would have been better. Then she wouldn’t have this awful feeling that… that…

“Jane?” Gansey said, from one side of her. “You look a little lost.”

“I feel a little lost,” she said.

“Existential crisis?” Henry asked, from her other side. “I’m always up for one of those.”

She looked over at him and gave a small smile, then reached for both their hands. At least there was this: this friendship, this group of three that felt as true as sunlight.

“My guidance counselor today,” she said. “She said if I don’t apply to at least one school soon, my future is basically cancelled.”

“Oh, Blue,” Gansey said.

“I know, I know, she’s exaggerating, it’s not true. But she has a point. I haven’t made any sort of decision about my future yet.”

Gansey didn’t say anything. Then Henry said, “What do you want for your future?”

It reminded her oddly of that day with her aunts sitting in the bathtub. Calla saying, _trees in your eyes. Stars in your heart._

But _why_ did she have trees in her eyes and stars in her heart? Was it her or was it Artemus, the ghost of his powers poisoning her mind with things that weren’t even her own truth?

“I don’t know what I want,” she said, “because I don’t know who I am. I thought I wanted to go to college. I thought I wanted to travel the world, help people, learn about forests and ecology. I thought I wanted to see the stars but now I don’t know if I wanted any of that at all.”

“Why not?” Henry asked.

“Because I’m not even who I thought I was! What am I? Half a tree, half a mirror? I thought I was just human. I can’t figure out all the different parts of myself and which ones of them are responsible for which things I want. Which half is the real me? I don’t know.”

Gansey curled in closer to her, still saying nothing. She could tell he was just listening, which was a gift. Gansey just listening was something new and wonderful.

Henry, on the other hand, spoke.

“Which half is the real me?” he echoed. “If that isn’t a question I’ve asked myself a thousand times.”

He sighed, long and dramatic, and held her hand tighter. Blue remembered his furious anger at Ronan’s _half and half_ comment, weeks ago.

“How did you answer it?” she asked.

“Not sure,” Henry said. “I answer questions about myself different ways every day. But I’m happiest, I suppose, when I answer them like this- I’m not half and half. I’m a whole. Every part of who I am, and there are a lot of parts, believe me, even more than you two suckers have been lucky enough to see- every part of who I am is mixed up together. Inextricably. Every part of me works together, not separately.”

He let out a breath.

“Blue- I don’t think you’re a tree and a human fused together. I think you’re Blue. You’re something different altogether. Blue-jay. Star-girl.”

She closed her eyes, then opened them. Above her were all the constellations.

“You’re my best friends, you know that?” she said.

They lay there in silence for a bit longer, holding hands, breathing together in time.

Then, finally, Gansey spoke.

“Blue,” he said, and his voice was something fragile and warm as a dream-fish in Cabeswater.

“Yes?” she said.

“I never told you the last thing Noah ever told me.”

Her breath hitched at the sudden mention of Noah. It happened every time she remembered him.

“What was it?” she asked.

“It was in Cabeswater. Just before I came back to life. After he gave me my life. He told me, _Goodbye. Don’t throw it away_.”

She heard him swallow a lump in his throat, and she felt a lump in her throat, too. Noah, their heartbreakingly loving, wonderful friend. Noah, who deserved more than he ever got.

“Noah,” she breathed into the cold night air.

Henry curled closer to her, too, now, and she knew that even though he’d never met Noah, he understood. He’d had grief in his life, too.

“I didn’t tell you until now,” Gansey said, “because I- selfishly- thought he meant it just for me. For the life he gave me. But you’re part of my life, Jane. And I wanted you to know that. Don’t throw away your life for what you think someone else wants. Live as boldly as Noah never got to. Go to the stars, if that’s what you want, and know that you are allowed to want it.”

He took a deep breath- clearly, he had made sure to pick every word precisely for this bit of mentor-y advice.

Blue was crying.

“Thank you,” she said. “For telling me that.”

Underneath her, down in the soil, she could feel the roots of her beech tree, working to feed and grow, and she, at least in that moment, could answer the question “who am I?”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> apparently, every Bluesey scene turns into "human interaction 101 for Dick Gansey" for me  
> next chapter is about Ronan again! stay tuned for that


	8. Who I Am: Ronan

“Opal,” Adam said. “Hey. Don’t eat Gansey’s Henrietta model.”

Gansey glanced over from his spot on the bed, amused, to where Opal was perched on the floor. She’d been playing with the Henrietta model, telling herself a little story about people who lived in the town, half in Latin, half in English. Now she was chewing ardently on the edge of a cardboard building.

Opal looked up, a little indignantly, at Adam, but smiled when he offered her a small pack of M&Ms instead. She tore it open and popped the little candies in her mouth enthusiastically.

“Thanks a lot, Parrish,” Ronan said, from where he was lying on the couch, being generally useless. “Now she’ll be on a sugar high for a fucking hour.”

Adam just smiled at him, one of those trademark sarcastic Adam Parrish smiles that made Ronan a little bit dizzy. He went back to chewing on his wristbands.

“Don’t blame me,” Adam said. “You’re the one who evidently taught her to chew on inedible stuff. I’m just offering alternatives.”

He checked his watch and sighed. “I’ve got to get going. Work in fifteen minutes.”

Opal grabbed Adam’s arm at that.

“Can I come?” she begged. “I wanna see the cars again!”

Ronan had picked up Adam from work the other day, and Opal had become fascinated with his work. She’d managed to charm Adam’s manager, and he’d made the mistake of saying that Adam could bring her to work if he wanted. Now Opal was obsessed with the idea and wouldn’t shut up about it.

Adam looked over at Ronan. “Is it OK if I take her?”

Ronan sighed. “Fine. Don’t blame me if she blows up the place by accident.”

“I won’t,” Opal said, incredibly earnestly. “I won’t chew on anything, I promise.”

“I believe you,” Adam said, ruffling her hair affectionately. She got up and ran to the door excitedly, pulling on the new hoof-compatible shoes Ronan had dreamed her.

Adam pulled on his coat and scarf, then went over to the couch and kissed Ronan goodbye. “See you after work,” he said.

“Yeah, see you,” Ronan said, warm and happy.

“Bye, Adam!” Gansey called, and Adam threw back a halfhearted wave at him, before taking Opal’s hand and leaving with her.

Ronan closed his eyes and sighed contentedly. Behind his eyes, images of Adam flashed like moments in a dream.

“You look happy,” Gansey said.

Ronan opened his eyes and turned his head to face Gansey, who looked annoyingly smug from where he was perched on his bed, reading some academic shit.

“Might be ‘cause I am happy, Dick,” he said.

“I’m happy for you, you know,” Gansey continued. “About Adam, I mean.”

Ronan rolled his eyes. Now that he thought about it, he and Gansey hadn’t yet talked about this new relationship. He would be happy to continue not talking about it forever.

“Glad I have your approval, Dad,” he said.

“Very funny, Ronan. I mean it.”

“It’s been like, four weeks or something,” Ronan said. Four weeks and two days, actually, but he didn’t want Gansey to know he’d been counting. “Why’s this the first time you gave me this speech?”

“This is hardly a speech,” Gansey said. “And I don’t know. We haven’t been alone much these past few weeks.”

“OK,” Ronan said. This was unbearably awkward. “Well, you and Parrish have been alone enough times doing your group projects and shit. Why haven’t you given him your Gansey seal of approval speech?”

Gansey tensed, and Ronan sat up.

“Wait. You _have_ talked to him about this?”

“Yes,” Gansey said.

“When?”

“Ahhh,” Gansey said, grimacing. “The night you first kissed.”

Ronan’s eyes widened, then he clapped his hand to his forehead. “He told you? Oh- Jesus- when me and Sargent were in the kitchen?”

Gansey nodded.

Ronan sighed. “Well, I don’t blame him, I guess. That’s when I told Sargent about it.”

“You talked with Blue about it?” Gansey said. He sounded irritatingly proud of Ronan for this.

“Yeah, I talked to your fucking girlfriend,” Ronan said. “She gives better advice than you.”

“Can’t argue with you there,” Gansey said, turning a little red. Ronan rolled his eyes again and leaned back against the couch.

So. Adam had felt the need to talk about it right away, too. What did that mean? Had he been just as overwhelmed as Ronan had been after that first kiss?

This was stupid. They were dating. Wasn’t he supposed to not have to question every goddamn move Parrish made anymore?

He cleared his throat, resigned himself to his curiosity, and then said, “So, uh… so what did you two talk about?”

Gansey smiled, and Ronan felt an itch of irritation, which he brushed back. Secretly, he was happy that Gansey was so… OK with this.

“He tried to pretend like he was asking me about Blue,” he said. “He asked me how I knew I was in love with Blue.”

Ronan raised his eyebrows at Gansey being so open about his feelings for Blue, but then again, that was Gansey- painfully honest when he wanted to be.

Ronan was painful, and honest, in a very different way.

“What’d you tell him?” Ronan asked.

“I told him why I love Blue, and then he made it pretty clear it wasn’t about Blue.” Gansey laughed. “Then he told me that you two had kissed.”

“Wish I’d been there to see that,” Ronan said. “How’d you react?”

“Ronan,” Gansey said. “What did you think, that I would be horrified?”

“No, I just think you would have Gansey-ed out about it.”

Gansey sighed, like Ronan was trying his patience. “The first thing I told him was not to break you.”

Ronan sat right back up again at that.

“You told him _what?_ ”

“Ronan, look, I know you think you don’t need me to protect you,” Gansey said. “But I thought I was going to be dead by now. I didn’t want you to get hurt.”

Ronan forced himself to look away from Gansey. He took a deep breath. He was not going to shout, because violence wasn’t the solution to his problems anymore.

Except that he couldn’t take this.

“What kind of fucking thing to say is that?” he snapped, all sharp edges.

Gansey grew tense again. The air grew tense.

“I was trying to help you,” Gansey said, harsher than usual.

Ronan threw his hands in the air.

“Fucking first of all,” he said, “I don’t need your help.”

“You know what,” Gansey said, “this isn’t about what you think you need. If I had died, and stayed dead, I would have wanted Adam to know that he couldn’t get away with hurting you.”

_Fuck_ this.

Ronan stood up.

“Do you remember that day Opal hit her head on a tree?” he said, voice growing louder with each word. “Do you know what Adam fucking said to me? He told me not to tell her it was her fault. Because he thinks- he fucking thinks- because he doesn’t want to _break_ her. He thinks he’s going to be a goddamn copy of his piece of shit excuse for a father! Trust me, Gansey, you didn’t need to tell him not to _break_ me, because he already thought he was going to! What kind of fucking thing is that to say? Fuck you, Gansey! He came to you for goddamn advice, not to have his worst fucking fears confirmed! What kind of shit is that to say? And then the next fucking day, he got possessed by that piece of shit demon- he thought it was his fucking fault! _God_ , Gansey, do you ever think about anyone other than yourself?”

He turned around and kicked the nearest thing he saw, which was the couch, then flung himself back onto the couch, bringing his knees to his chest, and glared at Gansey.

Gansey, who had flinched and winced throughout Ronan’s outburst, released his shoulders and sat up taller.

“I had no idea,” Gansey said, with a voice that Ronan didn’t recognize.

“Yeah, no shit,” Ronan said.

“God. How could I have been so selfish?”

Ronan raised his eyebrows in surprise. “You don’t have any fucking Gansey excuses?”

“Is that what you call them?” Gansey put his head in his hands. “I’m so sorry. Christ, I’m so fucking sorry. I wish I’d never said that. You’re right, what kind of a thing is that to say to Adam? I knew what he’s been through. I was thinking about myself, not him, not you.”

Ronan’s anger softened. He had rarely ever seen Gansey like this: apologetic, but not in an infuriatingly noble way. Just in an honest, understanding way.

“Don’t apologize to Adam,” Ronan said. “He’ll break _you_ if you try and apologize to him.”

“True,” Gansey said. “God. I just want to let him know that he isn’t a bad person. And all I did was make him think the opposite.”

Ronan looked at him, carefully, searching. Gansey looked back, bare and honest.

“Well, you don’t have to bear all of mankind’s sins just for that,” Ronan said. “Just don’t say shit like that to him again.”

Gansey nodded.

“I’m trying to be a better person,” he said.

“Hey,” Ronan said. “Gansey, you’re not a bad person. Sorry I fucking yelled at you. I was just angry.”

“You’re angry a lot less lately,” Gansey said. “This is the first time you’ve yelled at me in- God- a while. And it was only to defend Adam.”

“Yeah, well,” Ronan said sheepishly.

Gansey sighed. “I should try to understand you, too. Be a better friend to you.”

“Gansey, if any of us is a shitty friend, it’s me.”

“That’s not always true. I don’t take into account what you want.” He let out another frustrated sigh, and Ronan narrowed his eyes.

“Wait,” Ronan said. “Did you do something stupid?”

“Afraid so,” he said. “I- uh- tried to sell Monmouth. To Child. To get you a diploma.”

“ _What?_ ” Ronan exclaimed.

“Helen went in and cleared it up a week later,” Gansey said. “Don’t worry, Monmouth isn’t going anywhere, and you won’t have to call yourself an Aglionby graduate. But I thought you should know. God, what a stupid thing for me to do.”

Ronan couldn’t stay mad at him, not if he was going to be like this. All goddamn caring and honest and shit.

“You thought you were going to die,” Ronan said. “I’d have done a lot stupider things if I’d thought I was going to die.”

“That’s fair,” Gansey said, and laughed. Ronan relaxed.

“What _do_ you want, Ronan?” he asked. “If it’s not Aglionby, then what?”

Ronan had been dreading this conversation. Now that it had come, however, he was a lot calmer than he’d expected himself to be.

“I’ve been looking into farming,” he said, seriously. “I went to some fucking Virginia farmers event last weekend. I actually learned about, like, the agriculture business and how to make money off it.”

Gansey’s face lit up.

“Ronan!” he exclaimed. “That’s wonderful! You really want to be a farmer?”

“Yeah. Got a problem with that?”

“No! I think that sounds great! It sounds…” Gansey paused, searching for words. “It sounds like you’re being true to yourself.”

Ronan let a small smile appear on his face.

“Really?”

“Yes, really. Are you going to stay at the Barns, then?”

Ronan shrugged. “I’m not sure. For now, yeah. But I don’t want to stay there forever. I want to find a new place. The Barns are great, you know, but I want to start a new life. With-” He cut himself off.

Gansey’s face softened. “With Adam.”

“If he wants,” Ronan said.

Gansey got up off his bed and went to hug Ronan.

“Gansey, don’t turn this into fucking feelings hour,” Ronan grumbled.

“I think you’re the one who turned it into feelings hour,” Gansey said. “I’m proud of you, Ronan. Really, I am.”

Ronan let himself hug Gansey back.

“Thanks,” he said, warm and tentatively happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know when this fic turned into "protecting Adam Parrish at all costs" but I'm glad it did.  
> Let me know what you think!


	9. Who We Are: Adam and Ronan

Adam’s heart practically melted when Opal went running into his arms the second he arrived at 300 Fox Way to pick her up.

“Adam!” she shrieked, half a bird noise. “We had so much fun! Orla did my hair to look like Cinderella! But Blue told me that Cinderella is sexist so I messed up my hair again, and I don’t think Orla liked that but she wasn’t mad, don’t worry, and I had yogurt! Did you know what yogurt is?”

“Yeah, I’ve had yogurt,” he answered seriously, holding her carefully. She was wearing such a bright smile, and he thought of the terrified little orphan girl in the back of Ronan’s BMW weeks ago, and how happy he was at how much she’d changed. “I’m glad you had fun.”

He set her back down on the floor, and she clung to his leg.

“Blue,” he said, smiling when she walked in from the kitchen. “Stop trying to turn my kid into a clone of you.”

“I didn’t know she was your kid,” Blue said. “I thought she was Ronan’s.”

“You’re changing the subject,” Adam said, turning red. “You told her Cinderella was sexist and fed her yogurt.”

“Cinderella is an inherently patriarchal story,” Blue said, fixing one of her hairclips. “And yogurt is good for you. You’re the one changing the subject. So, you and Ronan are officially raising her together, then?”

Adam looked down at Opal, who was smiling happily as she hugged his leg, and he said, “I don’t think there’s anything official about any of this. But I… wouldn’t mind that.”

Blue laughed a little at the look on Adam’s face.

“Maybe you and Ronan should talk about what you are,” she said. “Officially, or whatever.”

It wasn’t like he hadn’t thought about it. But between Adam’s busy schedule and Ronan’s newfound pursuit of agricultural knowledge, and raising Opal, they barely had any time to just spend alone together, let alone have a long and agonizing conversation about their relationship status. He’d just taken to thinking of it as what they’d always been, except without the forty layers of anger and repression.

Then again, it also felt oceans away from what they’d used to be. It felt like they’d fell through a wormhole and ended up on the other side in a world that was different in every way, except for the two of them. It was still just Ronan and him, but it was something else. It felt like something simultaneously too complicated and too simple to come up with a word for.

“I get it,” Blue said, when Adam didn’t answer her. “Ronan’s not great at talking about his feelings. Well, neither are you.”

“Thanks, Blue.”

“Telling it like it is.” She knelt down to face Opal and said, “Hey, Opal, do you want to take home the drawing you made?”

“You made a drawing?” Adam asked.

Opal nodded. She looked a little shy, so Adam instantly vowed that no matter how shitty the drawing was, he would love it.

Blue darted into the kitchen and came back with a piece of paper, which had an admittedly shitty drawing on it. Adam instantly recognized the figures: one bald stick figure covered in black scribbles, holding hands with a brown-haired stick figure wearing what seemed to be jeans and a t-shirt. Next to them was a little girl with hooves, and in the background, houses and birds and trees.

“Do you like it?” Opal asked shyly.

Adam was smiling softly when he said, “I love it, Opal. You’re a great artist.”

Her face lit up and she grabbed the drawing out of his hands to admire it herself, then she said, “Did you know what it was?”

“Yeah,” Adam said. “It’s me and you and Ronan at the Barns. I could tell right away. It’s really good.”

Blue looked a bit like she was going to squeal over how cute they were any second, so Adam took Opal’s hand and said, “We should get going already. Ronan should be back at the Barns in an hour, and I want to get started on dinner before he gets back.”

Blue raised her eyebrows dramatically and mouthed, “Married.”

“Next time I see you and Gansey in the same room,” Adam said, “I’m going to tell you that you look cute together.”

“You wouldn’t dare.” She turned a little pink at the mention of Gansey, which actually was cute. “I had fun with Opal,” she added. “Everyone here seems to know to handle her pretty well.”

“I had fun, too!” Opal said.

“I’ll see you soon,” Blue said, and waved as they left.

Adam settled Opal into the back of the Hondayota, where she occupied herself staring out the window and humming little songs as Adam drove.

He couldn’t stop thinking about what Blue had said- about talking about what he and Ronan _were_. Dating? Probably. They spent practically all their free time together. They were raising a child, for heaven’s sake- maybe Blue was right, maybe they _were_ married.

What did he want them to be? He wanted- God, he wanted so much. He wanted to make out with Ronan and fuck him and fall asleep with him and wake up wrapped up in each other. He wanted to do dumbass shit with him every weekend like crash shopping carts and dive into quarries at midnight. He wanted to teach Opal how to read and have her show Ronan what he’d taught her and see Ronan’s eyes light up in pride. He’d never let himself want so much with another person and it was terrifying, and it was nerve-wracking, and it was oddly euphoric. Because he thought- maybe- maybe there was a chance he’d get it.

By the time they arrived at the Barns, Adam’s rush of daydreaming had died down and replaced itself with the usual cynicism. It was so irritating: how one second he was convinced Ronan wanted this as much as he did, and the next he was sure he’d been deluding himself the whole time.

The door was already open when he and Opal trudged into the house- Ronan had evidently gotten home early.

“Hey, Parrish!” he said cheerily from the kitchen. He was at the stove, making mac and cheese. “Sargent didn’t scar Opal for life with her weird relatives?”

“I ate yogurt!” Opal declared.

“Well, there’s my answer,” Ronan said. He gave Opal a quick hug, then gave Adam a quick kiss. Adam sat down at the kitchen table, setting his backpack in the chair next to him. He stared down at the table while Opal ran around the kitchen, still deep in thought.

“Got a lot of homework?” Ronan asked.

“For once, no,” Adam said. “Just a French worksheet.”

“Disgusting,” Ronan said. He really hated French.

He finished making the mac and cheese as Adam did his French worksheet, and set some on three different plates. They talked about their days: Opal chattering on about her time at Fox Way and showing Ronan her drawing, Ronan excitedly explaining the benefits of different kinds of soil, Adam complaining about Aglionby students not actually paying attention in class like he did.

“I never paid attention in class,” Ronan said.

“Yeah, but you were honest about it,” Adam said. “If anyone had asked you what you wanted to do with your life, you wouldn’t have said something that requires paying attention in class.”

Ronan flashed a grin, making Adam’s chest fall out from under him. He still wasn’t used to seeing that smile.

He stared down at his now-empty plate, running his fork back and forth absentmindedly. He wasn’t sure what was bothering him. Not having a relationship label? That seemed so petty a concern. He didn’t want to have a word for what they were- he wanted a definition. Because he kept changing his mind from minute to minute. He wasn’t sure.

No- he was sure. He was sure of how he felt about Ronan; he wasn’t sure of how Ronan felt about him.

Opal let out a long yawn.

“I’m tired,” she said. “I’m going to sleep.”

“I can’t believe it,” Ronan said. “You never want to go to sleep. I have to fucking carry you to your bed every night.”

She threw her head back and sighed, “I’m _tiiiiired_.”

“OK, Jesus,” Ronan said. “Come on, let’s get you to bed.”

He picked her up out of her chair and carried her up the stairs. Adam got up and washed the dishes, then flung himself onto the couch. He was a bit tired, too, but not bone-dead exhausted. It was nice.

Ronan came back down the stairs about ten minutes later and settled himself lying on top of Adam. He looked down at him with that look that Adam didn’t understand- like Adam was a miracle greater than the ones that lived in Ronan’s head.

“I missed you,” Ronan said, leaning on his elbows, face close to Adam’s.

“You saw me just yesterday,” Adam said.

“Missed you anyway,” Ronan said, and leaned in to kiss him. Adam’s eyes closed. He brought his arms around Ronan and fell into this pattern that had become strangely familiar- his mouth interacting with Ronan’s, Ronan’s fingers running through his hair, his back under Adam’s hands, the sounds of their breath becoming indistinguishable from each other. Adam had always craved touch like this, but this was so different from anyone else. It wasn’t just physical intimacy- it was that it was Ronan.

He suddenly wanted to look at Ronan, so he broke away slowly and whispered, “I want to look into your eyes.”

“What is this, a fucking romance novel,” Ronan said, but he obliged. Adam had always loved those eyes- stunning and otherworldly as Cabeswater.

He was so unsure and sure at the same time.

He released a breath and said quietly, “Why do you like me, Ronan?”

Ronan lifted his head backwards, eyes wide.

“What kind of a question is that?” he said. Adam shrunk into himself.

“Sorry,” he said. “Never mind-”

“No, not never mind. Do you really not know why I like you?”

“It was a stupid question. I didn’t mean-”

“Adam,” Ronan said. “If you’re worried about something, we can talk about it. Why the fuck do you think I don’t like you?”

“I didn’t say that,” Adam muttered, but it had been what he was thinking.

“I’m dating you, Adam. I was making out with you five seconds ago. I like you.” Ronan turned a little red. “A lot.”

Adam looked away from Ronan at the couch. He didn’t know what to say.

“Do you not believe me?” Ronan said, sounding a little broken.

And Adam didn’t want to break him, but he didn’t want to lie, either.

“I don’t know,” he said. “I just think maybe you’re kidding yourself. You don’t really know how you feel. And I don’t want to trick you into staying with me and then you’ll realize someday that you never really liked me at all. I want you to be sure.”

Ronan sat up. Adam curled his knees into himself and looked up at him, nerves on edge. He looked wild, shocked, hurt.

Finally he spoke.

“I get it,” he said, “that you don’t like yourself. That you think you’re not good enough, or some shit. But that’s a fucking lie, and I don’t know how it got into your head- well, no, I do fucking know, and you know what, I get it that you hate yourself because I don’t really like myself so much either but damn it, Adam, don’t fucking tell me that I don’t love you, because I do.”

Adam stared at him. Ronan stared back.

“I love you,” Ronan repeated. “I’m not kidding myself about that. I don’t lie, Adam. I love you.”

It was probably the first time he’d ever heard those words.

His throat felt all knotted, and he didn’t know how to speak. He just looked into Ronan’s eyes, clear and perfectly sure, and he knew that Ronan was speaking a truth that couldn’t be broken.

“Ronan,” he said, finally, and his voice was thick and shivery.

“I love you,” Ronan said again, like he was drunk on the words, and maybe Adam was a little drunk on hearing them.

He leaned forward, kissed Ronan once, solidly, and then said, “ _Unguibus et rostro_.”

They lay there, wrapped in each other, for a few minutes, and Adam wondered if he was supposed to reciprocate what Ronan had said. He hadn’t thought he was capable of loving, and now he wasn’t so sure. He wasn’t ready to say it yet, at least, not in English.

Instead he leaned into Ronan’s ear and whispered, “I like you a lot, too.”

Ronan smiled, eyes still closed, and said, “Do you wanna stay here tonight?”

“Ronan, I’m not putting out just because you said you love me.”

Ronan turned bright red and said, “You asshole. You know what I meant.”

“I know,” Adam said, and kissed him. “I wish I could stay over. But I have to be at school early tomorrow.”

“Fucking Aglionby,” Ronan muttered. “I always said they should start two hours later.”

“Yeah, if only you made the rules at Aglionby,” Adam said.

“Say goodbye to the ‘no arson’ rule,” Ronan said, grinning.

“Pretty sure that’s a federal law, Ronan.”

“Fuck the government.”

Adam laughed, and buried his head in Ronan’s neck. Ronan was laughing, too, and a warm, comfortable light rose up in Adam’s chest.

He wouldn’t mind staying here just a bit longer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm slightly worried that there's too much Opal in this fic, or that I'm depicting her as too pure and angelic, but damn it, I love my granddaughter.  
> Also: I'm not sure if it's clear what the "at least, not in English" line means. It's just referring to the fact that Adam essentially tells Ronan he loves him with different Latin phrases and actions all the time, but he's not ready to say it directly yet.  
> Also: I've read everyone's comments and thank you!!!! I'm so flattered by everything you all are saying and I'm glad you like it so much :)


	10. Who We Are: Blue, Henry, and Gansey

“I can’t believe Ronan never answers any calls,” Blue said, “but he texted you a meme at 2 AM.”

“What can I say?” Henry said. “Even Lynch can’t resist my boyish charm.”

“I think Adam’s the one boyishly charming him, if anyone is,” Gansey added, and Blue and Henry both burst out laughing.

Gansey was curled on the couch in Monmouth, working on a history paper on his laptop. Blue and Henry were facing each other on the floor, going through a bunch of stupid texts Ronan and Henry kept sending each other.

“What even is this?” Blue asked, pointing to something Gansey couldn’t see. “That looks like some joke from 2010.”

“Blue-bird, I don’t know if you’ve met Ronan Lynch, but he has an incredibly shitty sense of humor. This is not news.”

Gansey’s stomach suddenly embarrassingly growled, and Henry looked up.

“Want me to go pick up some food?” he offered. “It’s almost eight, we should probably get dinner.”

“Sure,” Gansey said. “I mean, thank you, that would be great.”

“So polite,” Blue said.

They argued for a bit about what kind of food to get, and Blue and Gansey both chipped in some money before Henry headed out. Blue got up and joined Gansey on the couch.

“Still working on that paper?” she asked, settling her head in the crook of his arm.

“Yeah,” he said, smiling down at her. “But I’ll take a break from it if you want.”

He minimized the file containing his paper just as Blue glanced at his laptop screen, and then he froze. He’d forgotten the other window that was open on his laptop: a bunch of Google results about polyamory.

Blue just looked at the screen for a few seconds, and he braced himself for her to say something about how dare he even think about cheating on her, and how anti-feminist was that, and she was going to break up with him right this second. But she just glanced up at him and then glanced at the door that Henry had just left out of, and he knew she was thinking the same thing he was.

“I,” he began awkwardly. “I, um. Me and Adam had a talk a while back- but, um, it’s not about Adam- he just told me about- well- you know, he’s attracted to both men and women, and well, I was thinking about, um, myself…”

This was not going well at all.

Blue was blushing, too, and looked just as flustered as he was. She began, “Henry… um… well, I sort of- I also- oh, for Christ’s sake, Gansey, let’s just talk about this.”

“Yes, let’s,” he said, and he closed his laptop and set it on the floor. They both sat up and faced each other.

Blue cleared her throat.

“Orla told me once,” she started, which was not, in Gansey’s opinion, a terribly good start to any sentence, “that true love is a construct. Which, I guess, was to comfort me about the whole killing-my-true-love thing. Didn’t really work. But I’ve been thinking about it lately and I think I agree with her. I don’t think that there’s one sort of love that’s truer than another. Like, I think people just say ‘true love’ to mean romantic love instead of friendship love or something, and why is that kind of love somehow truer? And why…” She swallowed. “Why does it have to be only one person who gets that in your life? I mean, Gansey, you’re my true love, but that doesn’t make my love for other people any less true. Even if it’s… maybe also romantic love.”

They looked at each other, intense and uncertain.

“You’re… we’re both talking about Henry, right?” Gansey said, tentative.

Blue nodded.

“You know I love you, right, Jane? I don’t want to cheat on you. You’re… you’re enough for me. This isn’t about you not being enough for me or something.” He’d read a whole list of accounts online of women being hurt by men trying to cheat on them with the excuse of polyamorous relationships, and he was terrified of hurting Blue.

“I know,” Blue said. “And I love you too, Gansey. This isn’t me saying I’m sick of you or something. It’s not like my feelings for you got cut in half between you and, um, Henry now. I just… something about us. The three of us. Like we’re something more. Something more than friends.”

“Yeah,” Gansey said quietly. “I know what you mean.”

She rested her head on his shoulder, then said, “So… you’re bi?”

“I think so,” he said. “When Adam told me he was… I mean, I didn’t even know it was possible. And-” He laughed, embarrassed. “I think I used to have a bit of a crush on Adam, to be honest. And didn’t realize what it was.”

“Don’t tell Ronan that,” Blue said. “He’ll probably murder you.”

“Well, I don’t anymore,” Gansey said. “But I’m… still attracted to both men and women. I don’t know. It’s confusing. I don’t think it’s supposed to be confusing.”

“Yeah, well,” Blue said. “The patriarchy makes it confusing.”

“You and the patriarchy,” Gansey said. “Everything is the fault of the patriarchy.”

She swatted at him playfully, then said, “We should probably ask Henry what he thinks, if we’re planning to do a… whatever it’s called. A polyamorous relationship?”

“I think,” Gansey said. “I’ve been looking it up online, but all the information is so contradictory.”

They talked a bit about the various articles and blog posts Gansey had read, and then stopped abruptly when Henry walked in the door with the food he’d picked up.

“Looks like I just walked into an awkward conversation,” he said casually. “You weren’t talking about me, were you?”

They both turned instantly red, and he laughed.

“What, are you guys planning on breaking up with me?” he said.

Blue and Gansey looked at each other, then Blue said, “Um. Possibly the opposite?”

Henry raised his eyebrows, then set the food down on the table and walked over.

“What’s going on?” he asked.

They didn’t say anything, just both started making a series of noises that indicated starting to speak, and looked at each other and then Henry, who looked very confused.

“Wait,” he said. “You’re not trying to get me to have a threesome with you, are you?”

Gansey nearly choked, and Blue started laughing uncontrollably.

“Oh my God,” she said. “No. Well- kind of, just not- oh God, we really must have scared you with that.”

Henry laughed a little, still looking confused, and said, “What does ‘kind of’ mean? Because you know, I’m not opposed.”

“Jesus,” Gansey said. Henry looked really beautiful in the dim light of the Monmouth living room, and Blue was pressed up against him, and it was very difficult to focus. “Fine, I’ll just come out with it. Blue and I were talking about- um- a polyamorous relationship. With you. If you want to. And if not, then we’ll just be friends and forget this ever happened.”

This was incredibly awkward.

Henry’s face softened from its usual breezy grin, and when he answered, it was a bit quieter than normal.

“I thought I was the third wheel,” he said.

“What?” Blue said. “God, no. Henry, you’re part of us. Just like-” She smiled. “Just like I’m a tree and a mirror and a girl. We’re three and we’re one. Not two plus one.”

His grin came back a little, and he said, “Yes.”

“Yes?” Gansey asked, heart still beating a little too fast.

“Yes, I’m in,” he said. “Breaking the social constructs of monogamy. You’ve become a real radical, Gansey-man.”

“It’s my bad influence,” Blue said, her face lit up. “Feeding him all my feminist propaganda.”

Gansey was a little too overwhelmed to say anything, and Henry walked over to sit on the couch, and Blue moved so he was sitting between the two of them.

She leaned in and whispered, “Something more.”

Gansey took a deep breath and said, “Dying twice was worth it, it seems.”

Henry started laughing, and Blue started laughing, and Henry said, “Can I kiss you, then?” and Blue and Gansey both said, “ _Yes_ ,” at the same time, way too fast.

“Eager,” Henry said. “So am I.”

Then he was kissing Gansey and god, Gansey was not confused anymore. He thought, inexplicably, of Henry standing outside the cave and telling him _jeong_. Friendship. Love. Something untranslatable.

Blue leaned over and Henry kissed her, too. Then they were all shakily laughing and blushing and piling over each other, like they always did anyway, just a little closer and quieter.

At some point, Henry said, “Shit, the food’s getting cold.”

“The food!” Blue cried. “I almost forgot! I’m so hungry. Come on, let’s eat.”

She got up and divided the takeout containers Henry had picked up, and the three of them fell back into that comfortable rhythm, talking and casually touching and sharing jokes and stories. It occurred to Gansey that this didn’t have to be awkward or a big deal. Just because it was different than what he grew up hearing about. So what? He’d grown up thinking he was destined to wake Glendower. And now-

Everything was different. And different was _good_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know a whole lot about polyamory, so if any poly readers have any issues with anything in this chapter, please let me know and I'll make any edits you request. I hope I depicted it respectfully and accurately.  
> Also, it's my headcanon that at this point Henry has become good friends with both Ronan and Adam. He and Ronan bond over being annoying; he and Adam bond over intensely analyzing social theory and politics and science. I wasn't really sure how to work that in, though.


	11. Thanksgiving

Blue’s family didn’t do much for Thanksgiving most years. It was a combination of ready-made foods from the supermarket, the occasional harvest ritual, and Maura beaming proudly while Blue gave lectures about the colonialist nature of the holiday.

This year, though, Blue just wanted to spend her four-day weekend with all the people she loved. Safe, warm, full of food, home. Calla and Maura had both recoiled a little at the thought of a handful of raven boys and a satyr child joining them for Thanksgiving, but they’d agreed to let Blue invite them with the caveat that they all had to bring food and help wash the dishes.

Thanksgiving morning, Blue woke up early, a little after the sunrise, and headed downstairs. The only other person up was Gwenllian, chanting rhymes in the kitchen while she arranged spoons in the shape of a bird.

“Hello, lily blue,” she said. “You look quiet.”

Blue ignored her and fetched a cup of yogurt from the fridge, which she ate with one of Gwenllian’s spoons. Gwen didn’t seem to mind. She went back to chanting.

Maura came downstairs shortly afterwards.

“Hey, Blue,” she said softly. “Do you want to go for a walk?”

Blue looked up at her mother, who looked tired, as she often did lately, but happy, as she often did lately as well.

“Of course,” Blue said, and got up to join her.

They walked out into the misty Henrietta street. Nearly all the trees were bare now. Dead leaves cluttered the ground.

“How have you been?” Maura asked.

It wasn’t the first time she’d asked it, over the course of the past month. She’d held onto Blue and talked with her and read her futures nearly daily.

“All right,” Blue said. “Good, really. It’s… it’s nice not having to worry about the sleepers anymore. And about Gansey.”

“But it must still be…”

“Difficult, yeah.” Her mother was always harping on the difficulty of recovering from traumatic situations. It was funny, Blue thought, considering that Maura was handling the aftermath of her weeks trapped in a cave with a demon just fine.

Well, maybe not just fine. But she was all right. She was safe.

“Are the nightmares getting better?” Maura asked.

Blue nodded. “I don’t have as many anymore. What about yours?”

“I’m doing fine, Blue, don’t worry about me.”

They walked for a bit longer down the street, holding hands, then turned back around to return to the house.

“Mom,” Blue said, after a bit of silence.

“Yes?”

“I think I know what I want to do after I graduate.”

Her mother didn’t turn to look at Blue, just kept walking as she said, “I knew you would figure it out.”

Blue got that usual uncanny feeling that her mother knew everything that was going to happen before it happened, but she kept talking anyway.

“I want to study trees,” Blue said. “I want to study the environment and protect it, and love it. But I also want to live my own life first, to figure out the rest of the details. I know I want to go into some form of ecology. But I don’t know everything about it, so I want to explore first. I don’t want to go to college right away. I’m going to take a gap year.”

Maura did turn to her after that.

“Not what I expected to hear,” she said. “I’m glad to hear it. That’s a good plan, better than I would have come up with.”

“What did you expect to hear?” Blue asked.

“Something about just leaving Henrietta. Don’t get me wrong, Blue, I want you to leave Henrietta if you want to. But I want you to have somewhere in mind to go.”

“That’s an odd response,” Blue said. “I’m pretty sure I just said I _don’t_ have somewhere in mind to go.”

“No, you said exactly where you want to go. You want to go to yourself. To your truth. Not just away. That’s…” Maura paused. “Well, that’s an adult decision, and I’m proud of you.”

“Good way of looking at it,” Blue said, smiling, and she leaned into her mother’s shoulder.

 

Gansey arrived at 300 Fox Way a little before lunchtime, holding a bowl of kale salad and a box from some hipster restaurant that held a pumpkin pie.

“Ugh,” Calla said, as she stuck his food in the fridge. “We didn’t need this rich people food in our house.”

“I figured you wouldn’t like it, Calla,” he said.

“Oh? And what makes you so sure, rich boy? You think my taste buds aren’t refined enough?”

“No, they’re too refined,” he replied. “Only foods that were _not_ brought by a Gansey are good enough for you.”

“Your boyfriend knows me now, Blue,” Calla said, as she left the kitchen to go help Maura set up extra tables in the living room.

Blue sighed and gave Gansey a hello kiss.

“Where’s Henry?” she asked.

“At Litchfield,” he said. “Apparently they don’t believe in Thanksgiving so they spend Thanksgiving morning blowing things up in the backyard. He’ll be here for dinner, though.”

“Sounds like a very… interesting tradition.”

They laughed and turned red. The thing with Henry was still new and delicate.

“Did you tell your family about us yet?” Gansey asked.

“No, just Adam,” she said. “I figured he’s the least likely to be annoying about it.”

“How’d he take it?”

“Oh, he’s happy for us. He said he’s glad you finally figured yourself out, Gansey.”

“And just what are you talking about?” said Orla, from the kitchen door.

Blue groaned. Gansey turned around. Orla was wearing a wicked grin.

“Come on, share some of the gossip with your cousin,” she said. “I won’t judge. What, are you two eloping? Have you decided to take it to the next level?”

“Orla!” Blue exclaimed.

“Then what? We already know you two are dating.”

Blue sighed and closed her eyes.

“It’s we three, actually,” she said.

Orla’s grin got even wider.

“Ooh? So Madonna shirt joined the party? That _is_ good gossip.”

“Yeah, why don’t you go tell everyone else in the house so they can be properly terrible about it,” Blue said.

“Blue,” Orla said. “You can calm down. This is a house of witches. We don’t care if you turn out to be a polygamous pagan.”

“Who said anything about paganism?”

“I did. I think it’s a lifestyle you should consider.”

At that moment, Jimi poked her head into the kitchen and asked Orla to go find the box of napkins in the basement, and Blue and Gansey got to be alone at last.

 

Ronan, Adam, and Opal arrived about two hours before dinner started. Opal immediately ran over to where the women were sitting in the living room, sipping tea, and started gnawing on one of the acorns Blue had arranged for the centerpiece.

“She really likes your weird-ass family, Sargent,” Ronan commented. “She fucking called Adam ‘Coca-Cola shirt’ the other day.”

Adam covered his mouth laughing, and held up the bag in his other hand. “We brought food, like you said.”

“What’d you bring?” Blue asked.

He pulled two cans of cranberry sauce out of the bag and set them on the kitchen table. “My contribution.” Then a large, strange, multicolored gourd. “Ronan’s contribution.”

“Ronan, what in God’s name is that?” Gansey asked.

“You can’t tell?” he said, wearing an obnoxious grin. “It’s a squash. One squash. Squash one-”

“We get it,” Blue said, though she was also smiling. “So what, your contribution to dinner is just a raw squash? That’s not really a food, Ronan.”

“It’s a dream squash,” he said. “You just have to put it in the oven for like ten minutes and then cut it open, and it’s cooked. It already tastes like it has spices and all that cooking shit in it. I did a test run the other day with these squashes and it works.”

“A test run? Aw, Ronan, you really care about our Thanksgiving dinner,” Blue said.

Ronan scowled, but not very convincingly.

Maura came in and enlisted the four teenagers to help set the table and finish last-minute cooking preparations, so they all got busy with that. As they worked, they caught each other up on the details of their lives- Blue sharing her plan to take a gap year, Gansey talking about the archaeological society’s work in the Glendower tomb that he’d been helping with, Adam telling them about his college essays, Ronan detailing the new experiences of farm life.

At some point, Gwenllian wandered into the kitchen. Maura and Calla had been working on training her not to completely destroy the kitchen every time she walked into it, so she made a particular drama of not touching any of the knives or disrupting the cooking process. Opal was trailing behind her, letting out soft giggles at every one of Gwenllian’s exaggerated moves.

“Sing the song again, Gwen!” she insisted.

“Oh, Jesus,” Ronan muttered, from where he was chopping herbs at the counter with Adam.

Gwenllian’s face spread into a terrifying smile, and then she sang, “Gems and horns, night-born. Dream opal, opal dream.”

“You made up a song about her?” Blue asked. “I didn’t know that.”

“I make up nothing, mirror witch,” Gwenllian said. “You’re a lily blue. She’s an opal dream.”

“She’s an opal dream?” Ronan asked. “What the fuck does that mean?”

Gwenllian turned to Ronan.

“They call you snake, dreamer,” she said. “But you aren’t a snake. You took a dream opal and made her your child. Braver than most.”

Ronan’s eyebrows narrowed.

“What are you trying to say?” he snapped. “That she’s something scary? She’s a good fucking kid.”

“Gwen, that’s enough,” Maura said gently. “You’re bothering him.”

“No, no, let her talk,” Ronan said, sharp as a wolf’s teeth. “And tell it straight. You have something to say about my daughter? Tell me.”

Everything in the kitchen paused. No one had heard Ronan call Opal his daughter before.

Maura didn’t say anything. Adam put his hand on Ronan’s arm. Opal looked up, curious but not scared.

“If you insist, dreamer,” Gwenllian said. “She was born in the dream world. Part of a race like lily blue’s father, who belong to the earth mother first. Dream opal is a rare one. They can move from world to world. But like opals caught inside nut shells, she was trapped. Trapped until you saved her, dreamer. She’ll live here, a gem amongst pebbles, but one day she’ll have to face her old jailer.”

They all stared at her.

Maura said, “Gwen, how did you know about that?”

“You mean you knew?” Ronan said, turning on her. “You knew all that, too? What does any of that mean?”

Gwenllian was whistling and heading back to the other room. Opal clung to Adam’s leg.

Maura sighed.

“It’s very fuzzy, with dream-world things,” she said. “But in essence, what Gwen said was right. Opal is half-gem. And she will, years from now, face down the creature who trapped her. She’s lucky she has you to raise her in the meantime. I wish I could tell you more. I was waiting to see if there was more I could find out before I explained it.”

“How far in the future?” Adam asked.

“I don’t know. But she’ll be an adult. It’s not something you have to worry about for a long time, I can tell you that.”

Blue and Gansey were staring, open-mouthed, hands frozen in place from where they were setting the table. Adam picked Opal up and hugged her. Ronan walked over and kissed her mess of hair.

“Whatever it takes, we’ll keep you safe, Opal,” he said quietly.

“Kerah,” she answered. She was still smiling brightly, but she seemed to understand that something serious had just been revealed.

“We’ll take care of you,” Adam said, holding her a little tighter. Ronan wrapped his arm around the both of them.

Maura had returned to checking on the turkey, and Blue tugged at Gansey’s arm to stop him from staring anymore or, worse, launching into a speech.

Opal sighed and leaned her head against Adam quickly, then popped her head back up and said, “I wanna play with Orla again!”

“OK,” Adam said, smiling back at her, and put her down. She ran back to the living room. Ronan and Adam both watched her fondly.

“So wait,” Gansey said, looking back up at them. “Is that why you named her Opal? How did you know?”

“That’s not why her name’s Opal,” Ronan said. “She named herself.”

“It’s odd,” Adam said, turning back to the cutting board on the kitchen counter. “She picked it out from my chemistry textbook. Like, she saw a picture of an opal in there and picked that as her name. Do you think she recognized it as part of herself?”

“It’s very possible,” Maura said. “Names are powerful. They can come to you like signs and specters when you need them, and reflect your very nature.”

Before any of them could ask for clarification on this point, a knock came at the door, and Blue got up to answer it.

It was Henry, hair wilder than usual, a little smudged with soot. Blue kissed him quickly and ruffled his hair.

“Gross, get a room,” Ronan said automatically.

“You’re one to talk,” she said, nodding at his arm around Adam’s waist.

Henry headed over to the table and glanced at Gansey, who glanced back, face entirely red. Ronan and Adam shared a look. Maura shuffled meaningfully out of the kitchen.

“We won’t look if you wanna do some gross couple-y shit,” Ronan said.

Henry flashed a smile and said, “I think it’d be gross trio-y shit, in our case, wouldn’t it?”

He leaned in and kissed Gansey, then stuck the pot of squash soup he’d brought onto the stove (“way to steal my idea, Cheng.” “Blame Aunt Woo, not me, Lynch. She’s the one who insisted on making it.”).

They settled back into the dinner preparations, which were almost done, and everything became calm and cozy and quiet. For a moment, everyone was safe and at peace.

 

Dinner was a nosy, messy affair. 300 Fox Way didn’t have a dining room, so Artemus, Jimi, Gwenllian, and Opal sat in the living room, whereas everyone else crammed themselves around the kitchen table.

Ronan’s dream squash turned out to be really good, and it was finished pretty quickly. The rest of the foods were also all devoured, except for Gansey’s kale salad, which only Blue ate out of politeness.

Henry and Adam discussed some new scientific discovery they’d both read an article about, while Ronan made annoying comments about them being nerds. Gansey let them know that there was talk of all of them being interviewed for a historical journal about the Glendower find, to which Henry replied, “if they want a photo of me, I’ve got some old glamour shots that Cheng Two took last year.”

“I’m sure they’re stunning,” Blue said. “Probably not historical journal material, though.”

“Bet you’d still like to look at them, though, blue-jay,” Henry said, causing Gansey to turn pink, and Ronan and Adam to crack up.

“Can we not do this at dinner?” Calla said, exasperated. “Bad enough with those two goggling at each other all night.” She gestured at Maura and Gray, who were gazing into each other’s eyes and holding hands.

Blue smiled at Henry and said, “If I didn’t know you, I’d probably have yelled at you for such a nauseating comment.”

“Lucky for me that you know me, then,” Henry said.

After they’d finished dinner and Gansey was giving everyone slices of the pie he’d brought, Maura got everyone to gather in the living room. It was a bit crowded, but they dragged over kitchen chairs and sat on top of each other and managed to make it work.

“I know,” Maura said, “that we don’t normally do traditional Thanksgiving things in this house. But it’s been a particularly hard year, especially for Blue and her friends. Especially for this household.”

The room was full, but the absence of Persephone was palpable. It felt almost empty in the quick pause between Maura’s words.

“I think,” Maura continued, “in light of that, it would perhaps do us some good to reflect on gratitude. To talk about what we’re grateful for. So I’ll start and we’ll go around and each say something. Yes, including you, Calla. And you, Ronan.”

“I didn’t say anything,” Calla and Ronan said simultaneously.

“Your faces said enough.” She cleared her throat. “I’m thankful for my family. For the ones who are still here, and the one who isn’t. I’m thankful for the years I had with Persephone before her death. I’m thankful for you, Calla, Orla, Jimi. I’m thankful for my daughter, most of all, and how brave and honest she has become.”

Blue bowed her head, then smiled up at her mother.

Gray spoke next.

“I’ve changed a lot since coming to Henrietta,” he said. “I’m thankful that I’ve had the chance to become a new person. Well, I’m thankful to Maura.”

“Gross,” Calla muttered, and it was so childish that Maura laughed.

Jimi talked about being thankful for her own daughter, and Orla said something surprisingly genuine about family and love.

Calla said, roughly, “I’m not very grateful for this year. It was painful. I’m glad that those of us still here survived.”

The other women nodded at her.

Gwenllian cackled and said, “Well, I suppose I should be grateful to this gaggle of adventurers for getting me out of my tomb. This house is a far bigger tomb than the other one. Much cozier.”

“You can leave any time you want, Gwen,” Calla said. “We’re not stopping you.”

“Hmm,” Gwenllian muttered, and said nothing else.

Everyone looked at the couch in the middle of the room, where Blue, Gansey, and Henry were sitting. Adam sat in a chair next to it, with Ronan on the floor between his legs and Opal on Ronan’s lap.

“I’ll go,” Henry said. “I’m grateful for my Vancouver crew. They’ve been with me through thick and thin. I’m grateful for RoboBee. Lately, I’ve been grateful for these two.” He pulled Gansey and Blue closer from either side of him. “And those two assholes over there too,” he added, jerking his head at Adam and Ronan. “You’re all good friends, and you’ve added a lot to my life.”

Blue curled her knees under her and wrapped her arms around Henry. “You too.”

Then she sat back up and said, “My turn, I guess. I’m grateful for… hmm. Well, I guess, one year ago, I didn’t know you guys. I’m grateful that I met you. Gansey, Adam, Ronan. Henry. And Noah.”

They all instinctively held their breaths.

“I’m grateful that I knew Noah,” she said, biting her lip so as not to start crying. It was difficult for any of them to talk about him, but most difficult for her, sometimes. “Even if we lost him in the end. I’m grateful that Gansey’s still alive. I’m grateful that…” She stared down at her hands and turned red. “Well, I’ve always been scared of true love, and now that I have it, I don’t know what I was so scared of. I’m grateful for that.”

Gansey reached his hand across Henry to take hers. Henry leaned into her.

“And I’m grateful for my family,” she added.

“Glad we get a mention,” Orla said. Blue stuck her tongue out at her.

Gansey looked down at his knees.

“I’ll go next,” he said. “Less than a year ago, I heard my name on a recording device, and I knew what it meant. I was going to die this year. I was afraid. Seven years ago, I was told I would live because of Glendower. I lived my life in search of that meaning. So what I’m grateful for is finding out that I hadn’t lived for Glendower at all. I lived for all of you. For Noah. For Blue. For Henry, Ronan, and Adam. For everyone in this room. For my family. For Malory. I am so, so lucky to love so many people, and I am so grateful that so many people love me, too.” He swallowed. There was a glisten in his eyes.

“Thank you,” he said. “To all of you.”

His friends all looked at him, eyes full of love, and Henry grabbed his hand and squeezed it.

“We’re grateful for you, too, Gansey,” Ronan said, serious for once.

The attention of the room fell on him, and he groaned.

“Fine,” he said. “Like you assholes don’t already know. I’m grateful for all of you dickheads. Especially this one.” He swatted at Adam’s leg and smiled up at him. “And this little shit right here.” He ruffled Opal’s hair. “And Chainsaw, and my brothers. Well, Matthew, at least.”

“That was beautiful, Ronan,” Gansey said. “The vocabulary, the eloquence. You should be a poet.”

“Fuck off, Gansey,” Ronan said, and leaned himself further against Adam’s legs.

“I wanna go next,” Opal said.

“Sure, no problem,” Ronan said. “What are you thankful for?”

No one was sure if she understood the expression, but she lit up and sat up straighter on Ronan’s lap, and they had no choice but to lean in and listen.

“I’m thankful,” she said very seriously, “for my friend Chainsaw. And I’m thankful for Kerah, and Adam.”

She leaned back against Ronan and looked up at him for approval. He laughed and said, “Good job, brat.”

Adam was the only one left, and he sighed, sounding almost exhausted.

“I’m not really good at being grateful,” he started. “I like doing things myself, and not being in debt to anyone else. Paying someone else with just gratitude is kind of a foreign concept to me.”

As usual, Adam knew himself better than anyone else.

“But,” he said, “I’m trying to change that. So, here goes. I’m thankful that I left the trailer, and for my independence. I’m thankful for you, Gansey, that you’re my friend and that you survived. I’m thankful to Cabeswater, for giving me strength and for sacrificing itself to save Gansey. I’m thankful to you, Blue, and I’m glad we’ve become friends. I’m thankful that I knew Noah. I’m thankful to have made a friend in you, Henry. I’m thankful for Persephone, even if she is gone now. I’m thankful for Opal, who’s a wonderful kid, and I’m so lucky to have her. And I’m thankful for Ronan.” He looked down at Ronan, who was gazing up at him with a painfully sincere look in his eyes, and added, “You already know why.”

The whole room took a breath.

Maura said, “Thank you for indulging me in that. I knew it would be good to do it.”

“Sappiest shit I’ve ever been part of in my life,” Ronan muttered.

“Glad you liked it, Ronan,” Maura replied.

He gave her a small smile, and the room fell back into chaos and conversation.

 

Later, the women disappeared into different parts of the house, and soon enough it was just the five teenagers and Opal, sprawled across Ronan and Adam’s laps.

Gansey sighed and said, “If it’s OK with you all, I have something I’d like to suggest.”

“Not something too weird?” Henry said. “We’re not looking for another dead king, are we?”

“Please, no,” Adam said.

“No, that’s not it,” Gansey said. “I think we’re all still recovering from the last one.”

He cleared his throat.

“I know that some of you are not going to want to do this,” he said, “but I’ve been thinking about it a lot, and I think we should.”

“Oh, OK, I know what you’re talking about,” Henry said.

“Yeah, that,” Gansey said. “You know what I mean.”

“Well, share it with the class,” Ronan said sarcastically.

“We’ve been through a lot,” Gansey continued, ignoring Ronan. “All of us. And I know we have each other to talk to, and that helps. But none of us are exactly trained professionals in dealing with grief and trauma. I think we should see a therapist. Like, a group therapist. And before you argue,” he said, shooting a look at Adam, “I know therapy costs money-”

“Money isn’t the only problem, actually,” Adam said. “Half of our trauma has to do with magic. How are we going to explain that to a therapist?”

“That’s where I came in,” Henry said. “You see, my family’s line of work has one advantage among all its terrible disadvantages- you get to meet some interesting people. And I know a guy, artifact trader, bit less of a murderous shithead than your average magical artifact man, and he told me about a woman he knows in the community who has a day job as a therapist. And she volunteers her therapy services part-time to people who deal with magical trauma. There’s so little demand for the service, and so few people who know about it, that she’s willing to offer it for free. And she lives like an hour away from here. I talked to her, and she can meet us once a week for group therapy.”

“If you guys want,” Gansey added.

Ronan rolled his eyes.

“This is nice and all, Gansey,” he said, “but I don’t think sitting in a circle and talking about my fucking nightmares of demons and dead bodies is gonna fucking help.”

Adam shot him an irritated look.

“You don’t have to shoot it down so fast, Ronan,” he said. “I’m not saying it’s guaranteed to work, or really change anything, but if this person is a therapist, she went to medical school. She studied how to deal with trauma. I mean, she’s not gonna fix the magical shit, but she’ll probably give us tools to help deal with it.”

He’d heard guidance counselors give enough sweet little talks about “his home life” to know the basic words and ideas around therapy. He’d never tried it before, of course, but it had always seemed tempting- the idea of someone who could untangle the thickets of self-hatred and anger in his head with the cool logic of medical science.

Ronan just crossed his arms and leaned back against the couch.

“I think,” Blue said softly, “it’s a good idea. I keep having nightmares about Gansey being dead, about the demon attacking all of you, attacking me. About Persephone. It’s messing with my ability to just live my life. And I really, really want to live my life. I’m glad we had this adventure, really I am, but I want to move on. If this therapist person helps us move on, I think it’s worth a shot.”

Ronan looked at her, then looked back at Adam.

“OK,” he muttered.

“What was that, Ronan?” Gansey asked.

“I said OK. You were right. Happy? I did shoot it down too fast. I just don’t like fucking therapy. Declan tried to get me to go to some fuckass counselor after Dad died and it was the goddamn worst. But maybe some woman who knows about magic might be a little less annoying. And you’re right, Sargent. I want to move on, too. I’m sick of fucking my own life up because I got hurt so many damn times in the past. I’m not saying I’m gonna like it, but I’ll try it.”

Adam leaned in closer to him and softly kissed his temple. He closed his eyes and released a long breath.

“So, we’re all in agreement then?” Gansey said. “We’ll try it, at least?”

Everyone murmured “yeah.”

“Good,” Henry said. “I’ll figure out something that works for all our schedules and let you know when to meet up.”

Opal let out a loud yawn and curled up closer against Adam’s chest.

“Think we should take this one home,” Ronan said. “She’s falling asleep.”

“You staying at the Barns for the long weekend?” Blue asked.

“Yeah,” Adam and Ronan said simultaneously, then blushed. Adam wrapped his arms around Opal and picked her up as they both stood.

“I don’t mind staying a bit longer,” Henry said. “Living the child-free lifestyle.” He raised his eyebrows at Ronan.

“Funny, Cheng,” Ronan said.

“Hey, I’m not judging your choice to be a parent. Fatherhood is one of the most beautiful experiences in a man’s life.”

Blue and Gansey both curled in closer to Henry as they said good night to the three others. Outside the window, the harvest moon rose. Gwenllian howled at it. Artemus took refuge in his tree. A flock of birds took flight.

Inside, things were safe, with Blue and her raven boys and everything they were grateful for right there in the living room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I saw a picture of a fossilized nut shell with an opal growing inside and it made me come up with some world-building stuff for this. I don't intend to do much else with it, but I'm just so intrigued by Opal's backstory so I came up with one of my own.  
> Also, yeah, this is longer than usual, I think.  
> I really thought that these children all needed to go to therapy, after what happened, and that it would really help them. The effects of trauma are sometimes glossed over in books like this so I wanted to emphasize that therapy is a valid and helpful path to take.  
> Anyway. Hope you guys like it! Let me know what you think.


	12. Monsters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was a little emotionally exhausting to write, so just a heads-up that it references Adam's history with abuse and Ronan's history with self-hatred.

For once, the Greywaren was blessed with dreamless sleep.

He hadn’t had a night this calm in a long time. It usually took a lot more alcohol and a lot less recently-having-seen-your-best-friend-die. But it had been a month, and in that month he’d reacquainted himself with the Barns. The place he’d found both his father’s and his mother’s bodies, and he was becoming OK with that, as OK as anyone could be with that, anyway. It was a place, like any place, but it was his, to come back to when he needed it.

He rolled over in bed. Next to him, Adam was sleeping, and his heart swelled a little at the sight. He was so goddamn beautiful.

Outside, it was still dark, but peacefully so. Sunlight was beginning to bleed at the edges of the horizon. He stared at the ceiling.

He was going to leave this place.

Not today. Not for a while. But eventually.

The idea comforted him, oddly enough. The two revelations came hand in hand: the fact that he could be here without aching terribly in nostalgic pain every moment, and the fact that he could move on and find a new life somewhere else. It was what Blue had said yesterday, rolling around and echoing in his brain: _I want to move on_.

He did. He wanted his life to keep flowing like a river, not get stuck in a whirlpool like he’d been in for all those years since Niall’s death.

He thought of his conversation with Gansey a while back. What he’d said: starting a new life. And Gansey, saying Ronan’s unspoken words: with Adam.

Ronan hummed quietly and wrapped an arm over Adam’s bare chest. His mind jolted at the sudden, visceral memories of the night before. When he’d used to dream about being with Adam, it had always felt like pure bodily pleasure, a buzz and rush like street racing. In reality, it was more like prayer. Careful. Ethereal. They were both so scared of being vulnerable, touching each other like they were newborn animals.

Being with Adam was like being reborn.

He stayed there, still and quiet, until the sun outside had fully risen from over the trees, and gray clouds came over to dull its light. Then he kissed Adam’s ear softly and got out of bed, to let Adam get some sleep.

Outside, the fields were freezing over already. He’d been practicing his farming skills on the land at the Barns- how to tend the soil in the winter to ensure it would be tenable come spring. He’d been buying and dreaming seeds and plants, fixing up all the broken-down equipment, making his new life.

Now, he spent the morning lifting dream cows carefully onto a wheelbarrow and lugging them down to one of the barnhouses. He knew his father’s creatures would likely be sleeping forever, but he’d come to terms with it now. He wanted them-

He took a deep breath, visible in the cold November air.

He wanted them to rest in peace.

 

The afternoon was a little warmer, and Adam suggested taking Opal out for a walk.

Ronan wrapped Opal up in a new sweater, a coat, and several knitted things he’d picked up from Fox Way. He reached, almost thoughtlessly, for Adam’s hand as they walked out the door, and Adam, almost thoughtlessly, took it.

Opal skipped along in front of them, her hooves at home on the winding country roads.

“Did you know,” she said, “that acorns are seeds for trees? If you put one in the ground, it could grow in a tree. Blue told me.”

“She would know,” Adam said. “She’s a tree.”

Ronan laughed, and Opal said indignantly, “No, she’s not! She’s a girl. Like me. But she’s a _tir-e e’lintes._ I don’t know how to say that in Latin or English.”

“It’s OK, I know what it means,” Adam said. “You’re very smart, Opal, you know that?”

“Yeah, I know,” Opal said, and her tone was so serious and world-weary that Ronan stifled another laugh.

He looked up at the grey sky and bare branches and smiled effortlessly. Never had he pictured that his life would look like this.

They walked for a while, Opal telling them facts she’d learned about everything they came across, and they made it down past another farmhouse in the area. Ronan was too busy looking at Adam to realize that one of the neighbor kids living in the farmhouse was sitting on the fence near the road and staring at Opal’s hooves.

“What are you?” the kid asked. “Are you a monster?”

Ronan and Adam’s heads both turned instantly, and Ronan grabbed Opal’s shoulder protectively, snapping at the kid, “No, she isn’t.”

Opal was looking up at the kid, a little confused, and said, “What’s a monster?”

“Like a werewolf or a vampire or something cool,” he said, jumping down from off the fence. “You know, like Bigfoot or something.”

“What’s a Bigfoot?”

Adam had knelt to the ground by now, eyes darting back and forth from the strange kid to Opal with a look like fear. His arm was around Opal’s shoulder.

“It’s a magical creature,” Adam said. “Not something bad. Right?”

Both Ronan and Adam glared at the kid like they were daring him to say one bad thing about their daughter.

“I didn’t mean it like a bad thing,” the kid said, looking taken aback. “I just thought it was cool. Are you like, a saturn or a satyr or something? I read about them in my mythology book. They’re like, half goats, half people.”

“I’m an opal,” Opal said. “My name is Opal. I’m just a girl, actually.”

“But you have goat legs!”

Ronan and Adam looked at each other. Technically, Ronan had known that one day, he was going to have to explain to strangers what exactly Opal was. He’d been putting off planning that day, though.

“She’s our kid,” Ronan said carefully. “I- well- she’s my kid, at least. She was born with goat legs.” He ruffled Opal’s hair. “They are kinda cool. I don’t know if she’s a satyr or whatever, but she’s a cool kid.”

“Cool,” the neighbor kid said. “That’s awesome.”

Opal smiled, a little shyly, and said, “Nice to meet you.” She’d been learning from Adam about manners, ever since she’d shrieked a bird noise at one of the waiters at Nino’s. “Goodbye. Have a good day.”

She looked at Adam for approval, and he nodded, then said, “Well, we should head back to the Barns. Nice to meet you.”

They turned around and walked back down the long road to the Barns. Ronan was trying to control his breathing. He was glad that that kid had just been impressed by Opal, rather than scared, but he was still shaking a little at the words “are you a monster?”

He was not going to let anyone make Opal feel like a monster.

Next to him, Adam said quietly, “We should talk to her about who she is. So that she knows who she is. So she can answer herself next time.”

He was also a little tense. Ronan put an arm around him.

They watched Opal, absentmindedly cantering a few feet in front of them, catching the occasional leaf from the wind.

Ronan didn’t know how to put his fears into words.

“Do you think,” he said carefully, “that she thinks of herself like that? Like something scary?”

Adam closed his eyes for a moment.

“I hope not,” he replied. “I think she doesn’t know that she’s different. I hope that when she finds out she’s different, she- she knows that it’s OK. That she’s not-”

“A monster,” Ronan finished.

“Yeah.”

Adam wrapped his arm around Ronan’s waist, and they walked quietly back to the Barns, holding each other, not talking about what they really wanted to talk about.

Opal didn’t seem fazed by the conversation with the neighbor kid. When they got back to the house, she said, “I’m smart _and_ I’m cool.”

A laugh burst out of Ronan.

“Don’t let it get to your head, kid,” he said.

Adam crouched down below her and said, “You’re a good person, Opal.”

She hugged him and said, “You’re good, Adam.”

Something itched at Ronan’s eyes and his throat, and he couldn’t look at these two people he loved. He said, “I’m going upstairs. I gotta find something.”

Adam looked after him cautiously, and he said, “Don’t worry. I’m fine.”

He wasn’t fine, but he didn’t want Adam to leave Opal. They were talking about something and he knew it was important for both of them to spend time together. He could handle himself.

He collapsed onto his bed, sitting up with his back against the headboard, and swallowed every possible bout of tears. This didn’t make any goddamn sense. He was so fucking happy, and now he was so fucking _sad_.

He stared up at the ceiling. Hanging there was a faded poster for an Irish music festival. An image of Niall Lynch flashed in Ronan’s mind- smiling brightly, picking Ronan up and hoisting him over his shoulders as they walked through the crowd at Declan’s first Irish singing competition. Next to them, Aurora held baby Matthew. Ronan closed his eyes.

He was so afraid.

The door opened, and he looked up. Adam walked in.

“Hey,” Adam said quietly.

“Where’s Opal?” Ronan asked, trying to keep his voice even.

“Watching a movie. She wanted to see _The Little Mermaid_ because Blue told her about it. I made her some snacks and set it up for her.” He sat down on the bed next to Ronan. It was a lot roomier than the one in St. Agnes, where they sometimes sat together while Adam did his homework.

Ronan wanted to lean into Adam’s shoulder, but he was worried he would fall apart entirely. He didn’t know what had started this.

No, he did know. That word: _monster_. That question: _what are you?_ It wasn’t just about Opal. It was everything that had plagued him his whole life.

Adam had moved, and Ronan looked down at him. He startled when he saw what Adam was holding: the toy car. From when they’d first kissed.

“Ronan,” he said, and this time Ronan heard the emotion in his voice- the same fear that was sticking in Ronan’s throat, too. “I want to tell you something.”

Shit. This was going to be something bad, wasn’t it?

“I-”

“It isn’t something bad, it isn’t about you, I just wanted to tell you.”

“OK,” Ronan breathed. “OK, tell me.”

Adam looked scared, and Ronan said, “Whatever it is, you can tell me.”

When had he become so gentle? He _had_ thought he was a monster before.

“When I was in your room,” Adam said, “you know, before- on your birthday. When I was holding this. I was thinking about something that happened when I was ten. I was playing with a toy car in my room, and I overheard my parents talking in the other room. And my- my dad, he said-”

Adam repeated what his father had said.

Ronan’s fists curled into the sheets. He knew anger wasn’t the only way to show he was upset. But he wasn’t upset. He was angry. He was angry that anyone had hurt this beautiful, magical person sitting next to him, that anyone-

Adam looked like he’d been planning to say more, but he couldn’t.

Ronan closed his eyes and counted to ten, terrified that his fury at Robert Parrish would touch Adam instead. Then he pulled Adam to him and hugged him fiercely, and then both of them were crying and they couldn’t stop it, and it didn’t matter because they were safe with each other, they wouldn’t be hurt here.

He didn’t want to pressure Adam by saying it too much. But he wanted Adam to know, to know, to know beyond any doubt that he was loved.

“I love you, Adam,” he whispered into Adam’s hearing ear. “I love you, I love you, I love you.”

Adam held him closer, crying into his shoulder, and Ronan cried quietly into his hair.

“Are you OK?” Adam asked.

“Of course I’m OK.”

“Then why are you crying?”

“Fine. I’m not OK.”

Adam gently pulled away and said, “Whatever it is, you can tell me.”

Ronan just stared at him, those eyes gleaming with tears and with something so soft and quiet and beautiful, like Adam wanted to treat Ronan with just as much care as Ronan took with him.

He said, “I don’t know what it is. A lot of things. Right now, I’m fucking pissed off that- I just wish that- Adam, do you think you’re a monster?”

Adam understood the question right away. He said, “Sometimes. It used to be a lot. But it’s a lot less, now. I-” He took a shaky breath. “I used to think every single thing about me was wrong, and disgusting. That I didn’t deserve to live. That’s why I- I guess that’s why I wanted to prove myself so much.”

“You don’t need to prove yourself,” Ronan said.

“I know. I’m trying to know that more. I’m trying to do things because I want to do them, not to prove that I deserve to exist.”

“You’d deserve to exist no matter what you did,” Ronan insisted. “Even if you did nothing. You know that, right?”

“I know. I know. It’s just hard.”

Ronan stared down at their hands, entwined together in between the two of them, and tried not to cry more.

“Ronan,” Adam said. “Do you think you’re a monster?”

“Yeah,” Ronan said, quicker than he’d meant to. “Yeah, I do.”

Adam grabbed him and kissed him, maybe a little too roughly, but Ronan didn’t care.

“You’re an asshole, maybe,” Adam said. “But you’re not a monster. Why the hell would you think that? You’re… Ronan, you’re…”

The words weren’t coming out. Ronan couldn’t get words to come out of his mouth, either.

“You’re made of light,” Adam said quietly. “Not darkness.”

They kissed again, their breath syncing, their hearts calming. Ronan considered that kissing Adam no longer made him need to take a break, a breath for air.

When they stopped, Ronan said, “Maybe Gansey was right. Maybe we should talk to that magic therapy lady, if our heads are this fucked up.”

“Maybe it’ll help,” Adam admitted. “I hope it’ll help. I just want you to know I’m here for you. No matter what.”

“Me too,” Ronan said.

He paused and then added, “We’re not gonna let Opal grow up the way you did. Or even the way I did. We’re gonna make sure she knows she’s a good person, always.”

Adam nodded.

They lay there for a while longer, just holding each other, just breathing.


	13. Trust

Henry would not have guessed, a few months ago, that someone could wear such a poisonous expression while talking about mourning their mother, but then again, he hadn’t known Ronan Lynch this well a few months ago.

“Anyway,” Ronan finished. “Now that you all know all my dumb-ass feelings. I’ll fucking snap your necks if you bring this shit up outside of here.”

“Ronan,” Dr. Lisbeth warned. “We talked about not using violent threats.”

“Sorry. If you bring this shit up outside of here, I’ll tell you that it hurt my feelings.”

“Ronan. Feelings are not something to be ashamed of. I know that they can be embarrassing, and make you feel weak. But they aren’t a sign of weakness. It’s normal and human to mourn someone. I also think it’s very impressive, frankly,” she added, “that you recognize your own difficulties with grief coping mechanisms, and that you’re trying to find different ways to deal with your grief than you did after the death of your father.”

“Wow, somebody give me a fucking medal,” Ronan grumbled.

Adam leaned in closer to Ronan and whispered something in his ear. Ronan sighed.

“Sorry,” he said. “I’m not good at this talking about my feelings shit.”

“That’s perfectly OK,” Dr. Lisbeth said. “That’s what I’m here for. To help you with it.”

She cleared her throat and looked at the clock.

“OK, looks like the hour’s up,” she said. “I think this was a good session. Ronan, I think you should practice being more comfortable talking about your grief. Use some of the techniques I brought up. And Gansey, Adam- fill out those self-worth journals for next week, OK?”

Gansey looked a little too enthusiastic as he said he was looking forward to it, and Henry understood for a moment Ronan’s need to make everything they did in therapy into a sarcastic comment.

Dr. Lisbeth looked at Henry as the others packed up, and he joined her in the kitchen.

“What is it?” he asked.

“You didn’t talk much during the session,” she said.

He shrugged.

“Didn’t have much to say,” he said. “The others here have been through a lot. Ronan with his mother, Adam with the demon and Cabeswater, Blue and Gansey after what happened with his death. I’m really just here to show support, Liz.”

“Don’t call me Liz,” she said. “And I think you aren’t telling the truth. Henry- I know what happened with Laumonier when you were a kid. Everyone in the community knows.”

He took a quick breath and forced a smile.

“That isn’t quite the same thing,” he said, “as what everyone else here is going through. And that happened a very long time ago. I’ve been working for years, on my own, to get over it. Trust me, Lizzie, I don’t need any of this.”

She sighed.

“Believe it or not,” she said, “trying to heal yourself from trauma rarely works. Most often, it just leads someone to retreat within themselves, think that they can trust no one but their own mind, and it falls apart too easily. It’s not healthy. I think your friends are being quite brave in coming here to seek help, even if some of them are a little reluctant about it. You should try opening yourself up to help, too. It can’t hurt.”

Henry stared at the wall. For some reason, he’d expected Dr. Lisbeth to accept right away his explanation that he was fine.

“It can hurt,” he said. “Opening yourself up to help. It can hurt.”

“I know,” she said. “Trust me, I know that. I’m a trader, too, in case you forgot. And of all the people here, you’re the one who knows this business the most. The way it was before Gray started this new movement he’s doing. People stab you in the back. Sometimes literally. You feel you can trust no one. But Henry, these people care about you. They love you. And I’m a licensed therapist; I’m not going to hurt you. I hope you trust me in that. At least give it a chance.”

Henry bunched his fists together at his side. Determined not to let his armor down.

Then he spotted Blue and Gansey in the living room. Their loving eyes. Their voices, “Hey, is Henry coming?”

He unclenched his fists.

“A chance,” he said. “You know what- you’re right. Gray is working to make this business a little kinder. A little less sharp. I suppose I can do that, too.”

“Glad to hear it,” Dr. Lisbeth said. “And also- Lizzie isn’t any better than Liz.”

“Lizard-woman?”

“Just Dr. Lisbeth, please.”

“If you insist.”

 

They all went to dinner afterwards, at a small cheap restaurant in the area. Gansey started doing what Ronan referred to as “the dad thing.”

“I think that was healthy for all of us,” he said. “I was so glad to see you talking openly, Ronan-”

“Gross,” Ronan said. “Ew. Feelings and emotions. Ugh.”

“Dr. Lisbeth said you need to be more comfortable talking about your feelings-”

“I’m plenty comfortable,” Ronan said. “Just not when you’re being a dad about it.”

Gansey threw his arms in the air. “Fine. I don’t know what counts as ‘being a dad’, exactly.”

“That shirt, probably,” Blue said, and everyone at the table except Gansey snickered.

“Mock me all you want,” he said. “I’m just glad you’re all cooperating about this. Be honest, really. Do you think this is going to help?”

Blue finished laughing at Gansey’s shirt and said, genuinely, “Yes, I do. I mean, just hearing her explanation about how grief affects your head- I didn’t know any of that. I’m not saying I’m magically not sad about- about Persephone or Noah anymore, but it’s really nice to actually talk about it so clearly.”

Ronan rolled his eyes, but then said, “Yeah, Sargent’s right. This shit is helpful, even if it is cheesy as fuck.”

“You always know how to put things beautifully, Lynch,” Henry said.

“Just ‘cause I don’t turn everything into a weird-ass speech like you and Gansey,” Ronan said.

“Hey, I love their weird-ass speeches,” Blue said, then put on a ridiculous voice: “My dearest Jane, shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Thou art the sun from yonder east.”

Ronan and Adam cracked up. Gansey smiled fondly.

“I’d try and do an impression of you, Blue, but I could never imitate your manner of speaking adequately,” he said.

Ronan and Adam laughed even more.

“He can’t help it,” Blue said. “He has old money in his veins. If he even tries to talk normally, he might die.”

“What’s Cheng’s excuse, then?” Ronan said, still laughing.

“Oh, he has the soul of an artist,” Blue said. “His every sentence has to be poetry. It was ordained by the muses.”

“I like it,” Henry said. “Much better reason than…”

He trailed off, not wanting to say the real reason why he was always so quick-witted. Granted, he liked making clever remarks and pop culture references for their own sake. It was fun, it was part of his charming personality.

But ‘charming personality’ was only one ingredient to the fabulous concoction that was Henry Cheng. Unfortunately, he was terrified to let anyone else get at the rest of the ingredients, lest they try to kidnap them, steal them, dissect them in their cold dark basement.

“Henry?” Blue said softly. “Are you all right?”

Everyone was looking at him. He looked up. He hadn’t realized that he’d been staring at his plate, face red, not speaking, for a little too long.

“Hey, Cheng, I didn’t mean to be an asshole about it,” Ronan said.

“No, it’s fine,” Henry said. “I…”

Dr. Lisbeth’s advice was rolling around in his head. _These people care about you. Trust them. Trust in me. Trust them, trust me, trust, trust, trust._

Henry did not understand trust.

Blue’s hand went over his, her thumb rubbing soft circles into his palm.

“Do you want to go outside?” she said. “We can go for a walk, if you want.”

He looked up at Blue, who was looking at him like she had all of time within her eyes and was willing to give it to him. He thought of their conversation under the stars, about being a whole and not two halves.

Gansey was looking at him, just as seriously, and Henry remembered getting into that hole in Borden House and telling Gansey his darkest secrets. And Gansey was still here. And he hadn’t hurt him. In fact, he had done the opposite of hurt him.

Lynch and Parrish- Ronan and Adam- looked at him without any of the usual steel in their expressions. He thought of how, a month ago, he couldn’t stand spending time with them for all the remarks and cruel laughter. And now they were friends. They had proven themselves to be loyal, unshakable friends.

Henry did understand trust. He’d trusted these people already, more than he’d thought he ever could.

“I know,” he said, finally, “that I wasn’t really part of the whole Glendower thing until the last second. I thought I just wanted to help you guys, when I contacted Dr. Lisbeth, because you’re the ones who really suffered. But I have shit that’s happened in my past, too. Is it- is it OK if I need this kind of support and stuff, too?”

“What?” Blue said. “Henry, of course it’s OK. What did you think, this was a Glendower-quest-only club? Henry, we love you. We’re your friends. We want to support you.”

“Yeah, you got fucking kidnapped as a kid,” Ronan said. “I think you qualify for traumatized, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“We’re not going to judge you,” Adam said. “Doesn’t matter what you say. We _are_ your friends.”

Gansey didn’t say anything. He just reached from Blue’s other side and took Henry’s hand.

“Thanks,” Henry said. “Thank you. Really, it means a lot.”

 

Later, when Ronan and Adam had disappeared off to wherever they always went, the other three went to Monmouth together. Blue pulled both Henry and Gansey onto the couch and started making out with them. She was always hungry for physical intimacy, always eager to do as much kissing as she could now that it was allowed. Henry didn’t complain.

Gansey, on the other hand, was easily overwhelmed by the two of their hands and mouths on him so intensely. He nearly lost his breath when Henry started tugging at the hem of his shirt and gasped, “I- I can’t-”

Blue sat up instantly. Henry pulled back.

“Can’t what?” Henry said, the words rolling out with a low exhale.

“I’m sorry,” Gansey said. He was completely red and looked horribly ashamed. “It’s just…” He tried to catch his breath. “So _intense_.”

“Gansey, we can go as slow as you want,” Blue said, running a hand gently through his hair. “No pressure. Really.”

“But I want to-” He took a long, deep breath, then closed his eyes, then opened them again. “I want you to enjoy yourself, Jane, Henry. And I-” He turned even redder, if that was possible. “It’s good. Really good. I’ve just never done this before. Anything like this.”

Blue quirked an eyebrow. “Didn’t you have a girlfriend back in Rich People Town, Virginia? Lindsay something-or-other?”

“Lydia,” Gansey corrected. “Yeah, I did. But we always just- I don’t know, it wasn’t like this. Not just because it was only two of us, that’s not the problem. Not that there’s a problem. It’s more that, well- I’ve really been alone for so long. I know, I know, I have friends, but it isn’t the same. This- _this_ \- we’re so close. I’m not even this close with Ronan.”

“Yeah, Gansey, we knew that,” Henry said. “I’d have been worried if you did this with Ronan.”

“That’s not what I meant,” Gansey said. “I meant that this is a different feeling from friendship. I’m not saying it’s better or it’s worse. It’s just so utterly different. Like…”

He trailed off.

“Like what?” Blue asked quietly.

“Don’t laugh at me.”

“We won’t laugh at you,” Henry said. “No matter how ridiculous it is.”

Gansey sighed.

“It’s like how I used to feel about Glendower,” he said. “The rightness of it. The closeness. The intensity. And you know, I always used to dream about finding Glendower, and it was terrifying. And then when I did find him, he was just bones.”

Blue and Henry both looked at him, eyes quiet, and something clicked in Henry’s head- something he hadn’t understood about the whole Glendower thing this whole time.

“You’re afraid,” he said, “that you’re wrong about us, too. That you’ll trust us and we’ll turn out to be nothing.”

Gansey nodded, his eyes squeezed shut. Blue kissed his cheek.

“I’m sorry,” Gansey said. “I know that’s not fair of me, to put that burden on you, to act like you’re something that’s part of my destiny instead of your own people.”

“No, Gansey, it’s OK, we understand,” Blue said. “You’re allowed to have feelings, you know.”

“Gansey-man,” Henry said. Gansey looked up at him, eyes vulnerable, and he leaned down and kissed him slowly.

“Caring about other people,” Henry said, close to Gansey’s face, “doesn’t mean getting every single feeling about them the right way, right away. So you feel like you might get closer to us and then we’ll fall away. We’re not going to, I promise. Doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to feel like that.”

“But we won’t,” Blue added. “You can be as open and as trusting as you want. We’re not going to betray you. We’re not going to disappear.”

Gansey’s face was turning into that warm, quiet, tired-yet-awake smile that had drawn Henry in the first place, when he’d catch him in the act of it occasionally in class.

“I love you,” Gansey said. “Both of you.”

“Love you too,” Blue said.

“Yeah,” Henry said. He wasn’t sure if he was quite ready to profess his love yet.

But he was ready to open himself up.

He whispered in the space between Blue’s and Gansey’s faces, “I trust you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've never been to group therapy, so I don't know if I depicted it accurately. I hope I did, though. Also, not sure what kind of name "Dr. Lisbeth" is; it's just the first name that popped into my head.  
> I don't know if I got the Sarchengsey dynamic right, but this is sort of how I imagine it. Not sure. Hope you like it!


	14. Acceptance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a heads-up to please suspend all your disbelief re: college admissions realities here. Adam Parrish breaks any existing rules in college admissions offices.  
> (also, there's no real reason I chose Yale here... just sounded like a fancy smart-people school)

Aglionby was different now.

Adam had always seen Aglionby as a transitional place- a stepping-stone from hell to heaven. Something of a purgatory. There was success and opportunity and academia lurking around each corner, sure, but it was not a place for him to stay.

Lately, though, that feeling of _this is temporary_ had gotten overwhelming. Noah never popped into the corridors, not even for a moment. There was no comfortable tug of Cabeswater at the edges of his consciousness, like there had been in the early months of the fall when he needed it. And Ronan was completely missing from school now- no shared glances, flirty comments, passing each other in the halls and making Adam’s day a tiny bit brighter.

Gansey and Henry were there, he supposed. But he liked their friendship better in their booth at Nino’s, or in the living room at Monmouth, or meeting up in the kitchen at Fox Way, a hell of a lot more than the prep-school boy friendship they had at school.

He buried himself in his schoolwork when he was at Aglionby. It was the only thing about the place that he really liked anymore.

When the early-decision acceptance letter had arrived, the second Friday of December, his first thought was, _out of Aglionby_.

Then his second thought was, _what’s the financial aid package?_

And his third thought, when he’d numbly ripped open the envelope and looked down at the slip of paper with his financial aid package, was simply his mind repeating in disbelief the words, _full ride._

“What the fuck is taking you so long?” Ronan yelled from where he was sitting in the BMW, waiting for Adam to drop off his backpack at the apartment so they could go on their date. “Stop checking the mail and go put your shit in the apartment.”

Adam stared again at the letter, not sure if he’d read it right. He looked up at Ronan.

“Ronan, come here,” he said.

“Jesus,” Ronan muttered, and turned off the car. He walked over to where Adam was standing by the mailbox. Then his eyes widened.

“Is that an acceptance letter?”

“Yeah. Look.”

Ronan scanned over the page. Adam could see the moment where he figured it out.

“Holy shit,” Ronan said. Then he grabbed Adam around his chest and lifted him off the ground. Adam yelped in surprise.

“You’re going to fucking Yale!” Ronan shouted, not bothering to try and disguise his excitement. “You fucking genius!”

“Ronan, put me down!” Adam said, but he was grinning down at Ronan, holding onto his shoulders, ecstatic.

“Fuck you, I’m not putting you down!” But he set Adam on the ground in front of him and wrapped his arms around him tightly and kissed him.

“A full ride,” Ronan said, their faces close. “You shithead. They’re paying for your entire fucking tuition.”

“I can’t believe it,” Adam said, breathless.

“I can’t either,” Ronan said. “A private institution actually recognizing a goddamn miracle when they see one and paying up for him? I misjudged the Ivy League.”

“Fuck you, Ronan.”

“Love you too.”

Adam pulled him in and kissed him again, then said, “OK, let me go put my backpack in the apartment, then we can go see the movie.”

“Fuck the movie. We’re picking up Gansey and Sargent and Cheng and making them celebrate this shit.”

“OK,” Adam said, too excited to argue, and headed quickly up the stairs to put away his things.

Blue, Gansey, and Henry were all hanging out at Fox Way. When Ronan barged in the door, Calla shouted from the kitchen, “Would you _please_ be careful with our delicate house?”

“Not today!” Ronan shouted back. “Adam got a goddamn full ride to Yale!”

Gansey burst in from the living room, shortly followed by Blue and Henry.

“Adam got _what?_ ” Gansey said.

Adam held up the letter that was still crumpled in his hands.

“I got accepted to Yale,” he said. “They’re giving me a full ride.”

“Oh my God, Adam!” Blue exclaimed.

She ran over and threw her arms around him, nearly suffocating him.

“I knew you could do it,” she said. “Oh, I’m so happy for you!”

She released him, and Gansey rushed over and gave him a hug as well.

“Adam, I don’t even know what to say,” he said. “You deserve all of this and more.”

Ronan put his arm around Adam, still beaming.

“We gotta celebrate,” Henry said.

“That’s what I said,” Ronan replied.

All the women in the house had emerged from their various rooms and hideaways. Calla said, “Good job, Adam, good for you,” as she walked out of the kitchen. Orla came running down the stairs and yelled, “Coca-Cola shirt is gonna go to a fancy school?”

“Yeah, he is!” Ronan yelled back.

“Well, he _is_ the smart one,” she said. “Mom, guess what?”

“Yeah, I heard,” Jimi said. She and Maura were coming down the stairs behind Orla. Maura walked over and patted Adam’s shoulder gently.

“I knew it would happen,” she said. “Not just because it’s fated. Because it’s you.”

Adam thought he was likely to faint sometime soon from all the excitement. Years ago, picturing the possibility of finding an acceptance letter like this, he had always pictured himself quietly smiling, knowing he was going to leave his parents’ house soon. He had never even dreamed of a house full of people who loved him celebrating his achievement with more joy than he’d ever used to imagine feeling.

“We’ve gotta go out,” Henry said. “To, like, a celebratory dinner or something. Wherever you want to go, Parrish. Wait- no, then you’ll pick something shitty. Wherever Gansey wants to go. He’ll pick some expensive nonsense to match the mood.”

“You’re not buying me an expensive dinner,” Adam said. “Let’s just- let’s just go to the Barns and order in pizza, if we have to celebrate.”

“Yes, Parrish, we have to celebrate,” Ronan said. “For fuck’s sake. OK, you want to go to the Barns? Then we’re going to the Barns. Come on.”

 

Opal hadn’t wanted to go to bed- she’d wanted to stay up with the rest of them and keep celebrating- but Ronan insisted and she finally relented.

“Finally,” Henry said, when they disappeared up the stairs. “Somebody get that awful Irish music CD out of the player.”

Blue reached over to the old CD player and turned it off, then hid the CD in a kitchen cabinet. Adam stifled a laugh.

“I’m sorry,” Blue said. “I know he’s your boyfriend, Adam, but he has such awful taste in music.”

“I’m not denying it,” Adam said, smiling. Secretly he loved all of Ronan’s shitty music, but he realized it was probably more out of affection for Ronan than out of actually enjoying the music itself.

Ronan came back downstairs a few minutes later.

“I told her she was tired, but she didn’t believe me,” he said. “Then she fell asleep in like two seconds. She never listens to me.”

“You’re complaining that your child is disobedient and rebellious?” Gansey said. “I wonder where she got that from.”

“Hilarious, Gansey.” He sat down next to Adam again. Adam leaned into him, warm and comfortable. Across from them, Henry was explaining the plot of some movie to Blue and Gansey, who looked confused but incredibly fond.

Something hurt in Adam’s chest. He didn’t know what.

“Hey,” Ronan said quietly. “You OK?”

His voice was so soft and caring, so unlike the person he’d thought was Ronan when they’d first met, and Adam felt, somehow, simultaneously safe and sad.

“I wish Noah was here,” he said.

Gansey and Blue both looked up. Henry stopped his movie explanation.

“Me too,” Ronan said. “He would have been really proud of you, you know.”

Adam didn’t know why he was thinking about Noah now, of all times. He missed Noah other times, too- when he saw a funny roadside sign that he knew Noah would have loved, or when he was feeling miserable at school and wishing that the ghost boy would pop up and brighten the place up a little. Why now, when he was happy?

“I miss him,” Blue said. “I know he had to go on. But every time something nice happens, I just think how much he would have loved it.”

She sighed, then added, “Persephone, too.”

“Yeah,” Adam said. “Persephone, too.”

He felt a twinge of guilt- the word _ungrateful_ unfurling in his mind.

“It’s not like my life isn’t good,” he clarified. “You- all of you- I’m really happy that you’re here. I just- I wish they were here, too. They would have been happy. Instead of just… gone.”

Ronan’s arm tightened a little around his back, and Adam knew he was thinking about his parents.

“I’m fucking sad about it, too,” Ronan said, voice low and serious. “Just so you know. I mean, so you know that it’s OK, if you’re sad. ‘Cause we all miss them. It’s not like we have to pretend we don’t miss them, just because our lives are moving on and we’re getting better.”

“I agree,” Gansey said. “Letting yourself be sad is healthy. I think it’s part of acceptance. You know, the fifth stage of grief.”

“Yeah, we all know the stages of grief, Professor Gansey,” Blue said.

“Sorry. I don’t mean to be preachy. I’m just saying, pretending the grief isn’t there isn’t the way to acceptance. Accepting it is.”

Everyone nodded and murmured in agreement.

“They’re gone,” Ronan said. “Fuck. I mean, they’re really gone.”

“I know,” Blue said, staring at the floor. “It’s so strange. Them being gone is just part of life now.”

They all sat there quietly, feeling the ache of Noah’s and Persephone’s empty spaces, Cabeswater’s empty space, Aurora and Niall Lynch’s empty room.

Henry broke the silence.

“Is it OK if I say something?” he asked. “Considering that I didn’t know them?”

“Go ahead,” Adam said.

“It’s a bit of a cliché, I think. But they’re not- _entirely_ gone. A person isn’t only their body and their life, right? It’s their whole existence. The ways they affected other people. The love other people had for them. The memories they created. There’s that theory that no one really dies as long as someone’s left to remember them. I don’t mean to deny that they will never make any memories ever again. But they’re- I don’t know. Those parts of them are still here, aren’t they? Your memories, your love.”

Adam hated clichés.

But he had to admit that Henry was good at them.

“Thanks,” he said quietly. “For saying that. I’m not sure if I agree, to be honest. But it helps to know that... to think that… even if they are gone…”

“They’re remembered,” Ronan said.

“Yeah. They’re remembered.”

It didn’t feel wholly like acceptance, quite yet. But it felt a little closer. A little calmer.


	15. Snow

It never snowed in Virginia.

“I wouldn’t say it ‘never’ snows,” Gansey corrected himself. “But rarely. And when it does, it’s very little.”

“Dr. Gansey, meteorologist,” Henry said. “Who cares about the annual snowfall in Virginia? It’s snowing now and we should ditch P.E. to enjoy it.”

They were standing at one of the windows in the hall, in the five-minute break between their second-to-last-period history class and their last-period gym class. Tiny, shining speckles of snowflakes had just begun fluttering down from the white sky. It looked so pure and cold and beautiful, and Gansey admittedly wanted to stand in it a lot more than he wanted to play a halfhearted game of lacrosse in the sweaty Aglionby gym.

But he never skipped classes.

“What would we even do out in the snow?” he asked. “I don’t think it’s even sticking.”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Henry said. “I’ve heard kissing someone in the snow is a lot of fun.”

Gansey turned red.

“Or we could go hang around outside Blue’s school and wait to embarrass her,” Henry continued. “Or drive up to the Barns and see if it’s snowing there.”

“Ronan’s not at the Barns today,” Gansey said. “He took Opal to that greenhouse place again. He should be coming back at the end of the day to pick up Adam.”

“Fine, then we can hang out by ourselves. Come on, Richard-three. Have a little fun for once in your life. Break the rules. Skip a class.”

Gansey never skipped classes.

But the world looked as silent and tranquil as a snowglobe, and Henry’s eyes were lit up and irresistible. Gansey relented.

“Let’s be quick about it,” he said. “I can’t bear the thought of one of the faculty catching me ditching class.”

They grabbed their coats and slipped out one of the back doors, making their way to a crack in the fence around the school property, where there were no teachers or staff, and headed out. Henry grabbed Gansey and kissed him against the fence for a few minutes. When they broke apart, there were snowflakes settling in Henry’s hair, and Gansey noticed that their breath was visible in the cold air around them. It was oddly exciting.

“There’s a shortcut to the parking lot,” Henry said. “Let’s take the Camaro and go.”

Henry took Gansey’s hand and led him through a maze of trees and pavement to the parking lot. Some other people were there, which made Gansey tense- they were going to get caught breaking the rules- until he recognized the two people, next to Ronan’s BMW.

“Looks like I’m not the only one who thinks kissing in the snow is fun,” Henry said.

“Adam!” Gansey exclaimed, trying not to be too loud, as he approached the BMW. “You’re skipping PE?”

Adam broke away from Ronan and glanced over at Gansey, looking a little bit ashamed but mostly pretty happy.

“ _You’re_ skipping PE,” he said.

“Well, yes, but- I never thought you would skip a class!”

“Fuck off, Gansey,” Ronan said. “It’s fucking PE. What are you gonna do, learn how to play cricket or some shit? He’s already accepted into a fucking Ivy League.”

Gansey involuntarily smiled. It was heartwarming to see his best friends look so happy and carefree out in the snow.

“Where’s Opal?” he asked.

Ronan jerked his head toward the backseat of the BMW. Opal was curled up in there, taking a nap.

“She got tired after we went to the plant nursery,” he said. “I thought I’d come get Parrish early and we could go do something fun.”

He raised his eyebrows meaningfully, and Gansey threw his palm against his forehead.

“I don’t need to hear the details,” he said.

“Gansey, what are you suggesting?” Ronan said, pretending to be scandalized. “I meant build a snowman or something.”

Adam blushed and laughed.

“There’s hardly enough snow to build a snow-ant, let alone a snowman,” Henry said. “Let’s stop hanging around the parking lot and go somewhere, before some faculty notices we’re missing and comes to get us.”

“Right as usual, Cheng,” Ronan said. “Come on, let’s go to Sargent’s school and ruin her day.”

They got into their separate cars and followed the BMW down to Mountain View High. Their school day ended about half an hour earlier than Aglionby’s, and a crowd of teenagers was already pouring out.

Gansey could see Blue waiting by the side of the school, framed beautifully by the falling snow, and he smiled. Then he saw her spot the two cars and her face turn furious. She stormed over and threw herself in the back of the Camaro.

“Please, fuel the rumor that I have an Aglionby boyfriend more, why don’t you,” she said.

“But… you do have an Aglionby boyfriend,” Henry said. “Actually, you have two Aglionby boyfriends.”

“Yes, but the assholes at my school don’t need to know that. Where are we going? I can see Ronan’s car, he clearly isn’t in mortal danger or something.”

“We’re just enjoying the snow,” Gansey said. “Thought we’d all hang out together. Have fun.”

Blue’s face softened a little.

“Fine,” she muttered. “That does sound fun.”

Gansey and Ronan drove out of the Mountain View parking lot and next to each other in traffic. Ronan rolled down the window and shouted over to Gansey, “I know where we’re going. Just follow me.”

So Gansey followed Ronan.

They went down a series of oddly familiar roads. Gansey wondered if they were going to the Barns. Henry said, “I’ve never been to this part of Henrietta.” Blue said, “Oh.”

“Oh, what?” Gansey said.

“Oh, this is the way to Cabeswater.”

Gansey sucked in a breath.

He had not even thought about going back. He’d been back to Glendower’s tomb, to help with the excavation, and it had been painful and difficult and Blue had come with him, but that was different from Cabeswater.

Cabeswater was real in a way Glendower wasn’t, even though it was a dream.

Cabeswater didn’t exist anymore, even though it did.

“But,” Gansey said. “Cabeswater isn’t there. I… it’s here.”

He held a hand to his chest for a moment. Blue inhaled sharply, too.

“I know,” she said. “Gansey, if you don’t want to go, we can tell Ronan-”

“No,” Gansey said. This was right. The snowfall in Henrietta, and all the people he loved most in the world, and Cabeswater at last. _Acceptance_.

“I want to see what Ronan wants to show us,” he said.

“Me, too,” Henry said. “It’s gonna be something good, I bet.”

The drive took a while, and Blue and Henry talked about their days and some show they had both gotten into, and the snow kept falling, not really sticking but just falling, and it was like magic.

It was magic.

Gansey took another breath.

Ronan finally parked the BMW in a bit of grass right outside the start of forest. The forest was not Cabeswater, but it was still lovely. The deciduous trees had all lost their leaves by now and evergreens towered over the hills. The ground was wet from the snow. It was wondrously quiet.

“One sec,” Ronan said, as Gansey, Blue, and Henry climbed out of the Camaro and headed over to the BMW.

Opal was awake now. She scrambled out of the backseat and shouted, “Kerah dreamt something!”

“Could you not ruin the surprise, birdbrain,” Ronan said to her. “Jesus.”

He opened up the trunk of the car and lifted out a decently sized box. Gansey, once again, wondered over the fact that his friend was so effortlessly, casually magic.

Adam got out of the car and walked over to Ronan and took his hand, the one not holding the box. Opal took Adam’s other hand, smiling and a little jumpy and excited.

“It’s really good,” she said. “But I won’t ruin the surprise.”

“Come on,” Ronan said. “Follow me.”

Blue and Henry both instinctively reached for Gansey’s hands. He took them.

They entered the forest, and things quieted even more. There was no magic here, no dreams, but Gansey still felt an odd sense of awe. Maybe it was the gently falling snow. Maybe it was just that trees, he’d learned, were more than he gave them credit for.

They walked, not talking, following Ronan and his mysterious box, until they reached a clearing surrounded by a ring of pine trees. The ground here was not frozen- it was warm and soft earth. Above them, Gansey could see the white sky and falling snow, but the snowflakes stopped in a dome over the clearing, not falling to earth.

“Magic?” he said softly.

Ronan shook his head.

“It’s not a magic forest,” he said. “I set this up a while back. Dreamt it. It’s my magic, I guess. Just to keep this place safe until spring comes back.”

He let Adam’s hand go and walked to the center of the clearing and set his box gently on the ground below him. He gestured for all of them to come sit around him.

Something about this felt as careful and beautiful as a bird being hatched.

“Before I show you what’s in here,” Ronan said, “I wanted to say I’m not trying to replace Cabeswater. This isn’t a new Cabeswater. This is just… a new something-else. Something entirely new.”

“Open the damn box, Ronan,” Adam said.

“Sure,” Ronan said, smiling. Opal clapped her hands excitedly.

They all leaned in as he lifted the lid of the box and then took out, gently, a potted plant.

It was clearly a tree. The tiniest tree Gansey had ever seen. It reminded him for a moment of the bonsai tree in his mother’s parlor, but no- it wasn’t that, not a work of art in miniature. It was something purely of the earth.

Ronan set the pot down on the ground in the center of their little circle.

Then he touched the trunk.

The branches furled outwards. Miniscule leaves reached for the sky. And little lights glowed on each branch.

“Ronan,” Adam breathed.

“Look,” Ronan said.

He ran his finger along one branch, and the leaves all turned into tiny snowglobes, filled with glitter. Gansey was forcefully reminded of Noah in the dollar store with his broken snowglobe. The memory didn’t hurt, for once. It was warm and cold at the same time.

“Can I?” Blue asked, her hand extended toward the tree.

“Yeah,” Ronan said.

Blue touched another branch. The snowglobes became tufts of white hair, and the scent of herbal tea rose out of the tree.

Blue’s eyes glistened with an emotion Gansey didn’t have a word for.

Adam was looking at the tree, everything quiet, and tiny tarot cards emerged in between each lock of hair.

Blue let go, and the tree grew leaves once again.

Gansey didn’t know what to say.

He didn’t need to say anything.

Ronan looked up at him. They shared a look, the kind of look that meant they knew each other, they would never leave each other- brothers.

Finally, Ronan spoke again.

“Like I said,” he said. “This isn’t a new Cabeswater. It’s just a tree. But it could- it could be a forest. Someday.”

Gansey’s shoulders lifted.

For the first time in a long time, he felt that old, familiar stirring- like life was waiting to be lived all down the road in front of him.

“Do you want to plant it?” he said. “Let it grow here, into its own forest?”

Ronan nodded.

“That’s why I brought you here,” he said. “Well, I brought you here to watch. You assholes don’t know anything about planting. Me and Opal are gonna plant it.”

Blue, Gansey, and Henry stood up, giving him some space. Adam picked up the discarded box and stood up next to them.

Carefully, Opal helped Ronan dig a shallow hole into the ground. Then, together, they lifted the tree out of the pot, the soil held solidly around it, and lowered it into the hole. Opal scooped the rest of the dirt back into the hole, surrounding the little tree, carefully patting it down until it looked like the tree had been there all along.

Then they both stood.

Everyone knew it wasn’t just about a forest.

“We could grow back, too,” Blue said quietly.

Ronan nodded.

“Exactly, Sargent,” he said. “We’re still alive.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is the last chapter! It felt like a good place to end. There's a lot of stuff I didn't address but if I had addressed every issue I had, this would have been a never-ending fic. The end of this chapter might be a little abrupt?... let me know if I should add more.  
> Thank you all so much for reading and commenting :) I'm really glad you liked it. Your comments honestly all make my day any time I see them.


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